Thursday and things seem to be going In my favor


Hello Everyone:
 
Well , I have some good news, to start with this morning I called Pinnacle an employment agency that I had seen yesterday and I have been hired by a company near my house It Is walking distance to home and Im so happy I start on Monday…my training is for 5 weeks along with the others that have been hired we start 8:00AM to I think It is 4:00 or 4:30PM no weekends and the call centre closes at 7:30PM… I can not tell you how relieved I am to finally be able to get off assistance once and for all and none of this measly $200 per month to live off.
I woke up this morning to gray and gloomy weather and It Is raining and thinking this Is to last a couple days so says the weather man, It seems down here In the lounge Is really quiet for the moment god only knows how long It will last before people start complaining and have Issues with something I will not be down here long enough to hear any of It thank god but despite that, I still love this place and  having the lounge downstairs, security around, have made some acquaintances here whom I would like to do some things with this summer namely the forks which Is right around the corner from us they have so many things there and last summer was only there for a short period of time  because It was a shelter outing so I want to go back there again, they also have here In Winnipeg a zoo where I would like to go and also they have a riverboat In which you can go on In the summer down the Red River think the whole cruise takes about 2 hours or so, so I have many things planned for this summer.
I am so happy that some of my repressed memories are coming back to me I thought that this day would never happen for me this Is really a big breakthrough for me my attitude Is changing also being alot more positive about my life, feeling so much peace and not being a worrier where many years ago thats all I ever did well not so much anymore for the most part I am very happy and quite content and not concerned about what people think about me anymore eithier that was a real big thing for me and most Importantly self care and taking It one day at a time.
It Is almost 9:00PM now and starting to get settled for the evening and doing the nightly blog to end the day Its so hard to believe that when we wake up tomorrow that It will be May 1st so hard to believe that we are almost half way Into the year already…despite what the weather man has said for rain we have been quite lucky for a better part of the afternoon and evening although It was raining earlier today we now have sunny skies and blue at that.
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A long day and more memories


Hello everyone:
 
I wrote a blog yesterday and It was a nasty one I was pissed off at everything but mostly assistance so I took out my anger In my blog…normally Im not like that Its just when things start to come down on me and feeling overwhelmed I get like that, anyways today thank god was a new day and had a much better one than yesterday hopefully things from yesterday will straighten themself out or atleast heres hoping.
So today I was on the job hunt so was out of the house by 7:45 AM went down to an employment agency had testing done and an Interview at that office now I should know by tomorrow If I have the job or not  I really hope so It will be Monday to Friday so what Im thinking Is coolness!!! no weekends!! It only pays $9.25/hr but at this point I dont care I will make more at this potental job than on assistance.
I had to fill out a couple of Incident reports yesterday because of some tenants In the building who like to cause nothing but shit so that Is now done and out of the way and sent to the Manitoba Housing Representatives thank the good lord the 1 couple Is moving out  May 1st that truly Is a blessing and the other guy well after I told him to literally "shut up and piss off" he has left me alone since the piece of shit that he Is anyway enough of my ranting and raving about that taking up to much of my space.
Yesterday we had Poulins Exterminators here at the block to spray all the apartments for pests (bed bugs) although I did not have any they were doing all the suites regardless and the stuff they sprayed wow It was so strong I Instantly had a headache really bad migraine for a better part of the day eventually It disappeared though which I was really happy about.
On the way home today I had popped In the VIA rail station and sometime this year or early next I would like to take the train all the way to Halifax and back mind you the accomodations might be a bit expensive as you have to pay accomodations on top of the fare but thats okay for me Its worth It, so what Im thinking Is I will go In the low season which Is October to April I guess from Winnipeg to Halifax It Is a 3 day train ride each way and go for 10 days this has been one of my dreams to do for many years now and plan to do It before I die which hopefully wont be anytime soon but we never know when our time Is up and since I am getting no younger I also plan to fly to Hawaii again and spend 2 full relaxing drinking Pina Coladas and Mai Tai’s weeks there and after what I heard about Mexico and the swine flu I highly doubt I will ever be going there and I mean like seriously never now because between drug cartel and and swine flu well lets just say thats enough for me.
So my evening has been pretty relaxing I sat In the bathtub for a couple of hours chillin and watched a bit of the exterminators pretty Interesting show tonight they showed where one of the guys had to get rid of a rattlesnake In a business that would not be my Idea of fun thats for sure but a challenge all the same.
Reflecting back from 1 1/2 years ago I am so much better off In so many ways now, I never knew how to stop the neverending cycle of abuse that has occured with me over the course of my life not knowing what the signs and the red flags were I have now come to realize that they were there the whole time but never knew what to look for I have had to endure not just physical, psycholgical, sexual and spiritual but have also had people over the course of my life use mind manipulation on me to get what they want and the fact that I was, and, still am a nice person the only difference with me now Is I am able to recognize my boundaries and so proud of myself because I am now able to say "no" to people which I  have never been able to say my whole life because I was always afraid that people would never accept me and have also come to the realization that If people dont like me or are not willing to accept me then they are the ones missing out and also If people are not able to accept the fact that I have gained weight and are not able to see me for the person I am on the Inside they can go blow Joe I really despise the fact that when people look at others and think or say oh that person Is to ugly or to big to be around and they would be embarassed being seen with me well then I guess they can go to hell to people like that are a waste of my valuable time wish I had had the same attitude back then when I was In school.
Speaking of school I just had a memory I remember that when It came to lunchtimes many times I would feel out of place going In the cafeteria as there were so many people, I dont know on how many occassions I had my lunch In the bathroom by myself I felt so alone and  I think I was In grade 8 or maybe It was seven Im not sure I had such a low self esteem In school and think It was due to being bullied alot by girls that could not stand me like Robyn and her gang of friends I still remember her to this very day I was always afraid to go to the girls washroom during classes because I knew If Robyn was In the same class with me she would also excuse herself after I left and next thing I knew she would be In the bathroom along with her firiends and start In on me and beat me up push me around call me a slut, whore, bitch, scrag bag, douchebag, fuckface you name It and It was probably said to me and looking at how I used to be was very timid and shy would not even hurt a fly my parents I think brought me up well for many reasons one of which to this very day I respect others opinions and their way of life I accept people for the way that they are however, at the same time respect Is earned and not given there Is a difference.
I also remember a time when I was walking home from school with what at the time I thought were my friends I was never afraid of spiders at that point In my life however, my friends played what they thought was a practical joke on me they asked me to turn around I did and there were a bunch of creepy crawlers called spiders in a bottle they were thrown at me In my face and to this very day I have a bad case of spiderphobia.
Im all talked out now more to follow tomorrow

Quotes and Meanings


“Birds of a feather flocked together”
I like this quote because It applies to my life. I now see the reason I like It so much It’s because If the people who you associate with seem to be deceitful, nasty, liars, thieves and cheats you will attract them as well and have that circle of friends and vice versa If you are around great people who have a good auras that are nice and friendly you will also be considered the same and again attract those kind of people In your life unfortunately I hung around with the wrong people who have nothing but negative energy so I had the same In my life for many years.
 
“Negative energy Is no good”
This also applies to my life I have come to realize that some of the reasons for not being able to excel In my life Is because negativity affects you In many ways for example If you are around people who bring you down you will continue to be down In the dumps from an emotional, physical standpoint I was for a long extended period always In emotional turmoil looking to people for help and support and what I got was a smack In the face  I feel that people just did not care and eventually when you bottle things up over the course of many years physically It starts to affect you as well I am living proof of that ever since I left my last partner I have had many physical problems but on a good note I am now doing something about It.
 
“We can change If we want to but we have to want to we will change if it is important to us”
I chose this quote because It applies to my life, to me this quote means that we can change  we also have the will to change and decide what priorities are Important to us at that very moment.
For me, I was not sure what to do 18 months ago I was like a lost puppy looking for my master and one day decided I have had enough and going to change my life  and make It what I want It to be and having the will to survive physical, emotional, psychological as well as spiritual abuse and up and leave It was something that I had to do to keep my sanity so I changed my whole life and after months of shelters, emotional turmoil and many moves from shelter to shelter I came here to Manitoba to start my life over because I was determined to not live my life In misery anymore and since being here In Manitoba that support that I have had has got me where I am today.
So, If you want to change you can, If you want to just do It!! And change can really bring out the best In you If you are open-minded so do what Is Important to you at this moment and embrace change as It could be a good thing.
 
 
 

Self reflection


Hello everyone:
 
I have decided that today’s entry would actually be part of the homework that I did while I was in school as it was part of life skills and self assessment.
It’s interesting to analyze things having realized that I have come along way from where I once was and would like to share it with you.

 

I am now feeling that my physical needs have been met for the most part here are a few examples:

  • My housing, I now live in a seniors highrise as opposed to a long-term shelter.
  • Having food on my table I will now live somewhat comfortable, was not able to before.
  • Have nice clean clothes and many of them where when I came to Manitoba literally had the clothes on my back and a few totes In tow.
  • I am now able to have a good nights sleep where before I did not get enough rest.
  • I have a warm place to live where long ago I was homeless.I live In a place where I feel comfortable and can relax for a change Instead of constant worry about when the next shoe will fall.

I feel that some of my safety and security needs have also been met a few examples are:

  • Safe home environment with a security entrance with 24 hour security.
  • Have friends that will support me In my journey to a better life.
  • I am realizing how strong-willed I am.
  • Emotionally feel that I only have to accept myself and does not matter If others accept me.
  • There Is still part of me that feels I need to be accepted by people.
  • I feel that I need to keep a safe distance from all people as I am afraid of people getting too emotionally close to me and me to them.
  • I am more cautious about my boundaries with others and to keep a safe distance.

Having the ability to love others, long for love and need to have a sense of belonging some examples: 

  • I do not feel a sense of belonging In society always felt like an outcast and still do.
  • I have given up on relationships with the male gender because of so many other failed relationships.
  • I do not trust other people.
  • I need to feel a sense of belonging as I have not felt that since I left home at 18.
  • I long for love In my life, someone to love me for me and someone who I can also love In return.
  • I care deeply for others and feel their distress and pain.
  • I am sensitive to others needs and help out when possible.

Self-Esteem and self concept needs, few examples of these are:

  • I see myself as a failure at relationships but as a very strong-willed person.
  • I am socially Isolated feeling like others do not accept me.
  • I do not feel valued as a person.
  • I now feel worthy of good things In my life where before I thought why bother trying.
  • I respect myself but others do not respect me or so It appears.
  • I need to find my sense of purpose In life.
  • I feel the need to be recognized and appreciated for the things I do.

Elaine’s self actualization needs:

I do not believe I have yet reached my fullest potential where my life Is concerned, there is still much to be accomplished. I have a great passion for animals and would give my life to save them.

I would like to stop the seal hunt that goes on off the coast of Newfoundland  and the Magdalen Islands where they kill them each year 275,000 to be exact between March and June most of them being between 4-6 weeks old .

I have not fulfilled anything yet in my life except just get by and determined to change to a better life. Until recently I did not have peace of mind but do now and finally able to relax I have never really been driven by money so the value of material things are really not that Important to me as long as I can get by with what I have, I also believe that It is how you live your life that matters the most, others who have done wrong I believe in the saying what comes around goes around.

My lifestyle Is a very simple one and as for my family I do not really have one anymore as my mother and father have since passed away, but, who I do have In my life that are not directly related to me but feel like they are my familyand just as important are Margaret I call her my adopted aunty but is actually a good friend of my mothers and consider her to be one of my family she Is much older around 70 or so she Is a wonderful woman Margaret was my mothers best friend when they both worked at Chevron together many years ago, after mom passed away we have remained friends ever since, then there’s Moksha who has seen me through many challenges  throughout the last few years true friend Indeed she knew my last partner and when she did not have the money had made a deposit of $50 just before Christmas of 2007 so that I could eat and get through the holidays, then of course there’s Colin my other dear friend whom I have known for more than twenty five years he has been a really great friend and wonderful support for me.

 I just wish there were more people like Moksha and Colin around they truly are one In a million kind of people, hope I have been as much of a friend to them as they have been to me and to you both my heartfelt thanks for being my friend especially so when no one else was there for me you both have never forgotten about me and that really truly does speak volumes so you see all three of these wonderful people who I have constant contact with truly have helped me through life they wont be forgotten.

I thought of becoming a lawyer working on behalf of animals but as far as I know In Canada there are no colleges or universities offering anything of the sort, then I thought of going Into business as mentioned earlier but I am not driven by money nor do I want a lot of It, recently I had spoken with a friend of mine (Colin) and he had actually suggested to me that I should share my life experiences so I am still taking that under consideration and might just end up becoming a motivational and Inspirational speaker hopefully to help others  that have found themselves in similar situations that I have been In thankyou Colin you have made me actually consider doing something like that.

I have also realized that one of the hurdles that I struggle with is living somewhat In the past although I have been getting better over the years am also happy to report that my life experiences have changed me as a person all for the better, I still sometimes try to cope with managing to move on and let It go but now when I do a journal entry every day I seem to be getting better  and well on the road to a healthy recovery.

 For those of you who know me well you know that I am  loyal, motivated, determined, driven, stubborn, open-minded and willing to try new things and not afraid of change, In fact I would rather embrace change and not run away from It, I’m honest, hardworking, willing to go the extra mile for others as well as willing to embrace challenges, I no longer live In fear but would rather grow as a person and have good quality people In my life with healthy boundaries.

I am proud of my accomplishments for there are many and would not be where I am today as a person had I not gone through all these tough times I have experienced It has made me stronger as a person, as well as made me very wise, and become more strong-willed that I would have ever Imagined I think I am also able to take on much more than the average person. 

 

Bed bugs In my apartment


Well today Is Sunday and yet another day of the same old stuff really but today I am doing laundry and had a nice soak In the bathtub and had a long nice shower afterwards took a total of 90 minutes, I did not sleep very well last night having had a toothache, I’m pretty sure I have a cracked tooth I’m telling you It’s absolute hell I will be glad to finally see the dentist and get this taken care of anyway, It would seem that I have bed bugs In my apartment now where they have come from I still am not sure I mean my place Is cleaned every day and apparently there are bed bugs all over this building in which I live I have come across three just this morning one of which was on the floor another one that was In one of my towels and If you can believe this… one In my bra which obviously now is in the wash and done along with my other things three times over before It goes back upstairs with me.
Am I ever getting mad with people, they are scaring me half to death In this apartment building all this talk of bed bug  infestations and Diane a tenant here telling me I might have some in my bed after I mentioned that I had come across some earlier this morning In my apartment and no they are NOT In my bed, far from It, actually It appears the more people who I talk to the more people have the same problem so I am not the only one with problems It’s just starting to get annoying now and Manitoba Housing does nothing here, and apparently, I just found out today from someone  Manitoba Houysing staff they do not clean the apartments here after people have moved out!!! .
No wonder there are so many problems here in low income housing  It’s about time that some of these issues started to get addressed, everyone has the right equal treatment and having the right to live In a healthy environment.
I think what this whole thing boils down to Is people, power and money It seems corporations, housing, employers etc will do anything possible In order to save money regardless If people have a healthy environment, food on their table, job, home It just seems the result Is always the same cutting corners and saving money no matter what the cost.
I am now getting a bad migraine headache so to everyone have a good week and take care of yourselves and each other.

Psychological abuse


Well today I went onto facebook and much to my surprise I found something very interesting that was written about me recently and I need to get it off my chest, not so long ago In the distant past someone had written many things about me that are not true ( probably wanted to feel better by justifying lies) I have done a copy and paste here from the Facebook entries that were made :
First entry:
I am writing this note today as it is the only healthy way i can think to release my anger in such a way that I will not lose it and do something that i will regret down the road and I’m also hoping for those that take the time to read my notes if they could take in my thoughts and post an honest none bias response.ok for the last two years I have had supported this friend that shall remain nameless at this point so that if they happen to see this they can not sue me or something stupid like that (not that they could afford it but whatever) let’s take a journey back in time shall we as i rehash the events of the last two years up to now in a nutshell and tell me honestly if I am in the wrong here.Two years ago this september i was living at home comfortably with my parents, granted we had our issues but i was comfortable living there but I choose to stand by my friend which lead to a huge falling out with my family that lasted well into April. I cannot also describe the stress it took on me at this time. I now has a sleep disorder because of it. I had but my clothes and a few possessions of mine with the rage and hatred filling inside me because she was negative energy and kept reminding me of all the things that were happening to me so i never was able to cool down and just kept getting more mad. From September 2005-to march of 2006 I was living in a hotel from pay cheque to pay cheque and she was working too but she was a financial drain on me because she has never known how to manage money and has a lot of bad habits so as a result could never save anything. Not to mention all the debt that was added to my credit card.On top of that i lost valuable time with friends and Family and no one i know could ever stand her for too long because she always had something to bitch about. Not to mention I would like to think that I dress half decent all the time where as she never bothered to look nice at all so it probably did not make me look good either.

Everyone one needs a friend and help to get better and i tried my best and instead of her getting better she just got worse and kept dragging me down with all her constant complaining and taking her issues out on me so that is why i decided to call it quits back in May and agreed to continue to live with her to help out.I deserve and can do better than her. I have been split up with her now for over 6 months and her response to me asking her to leave is to quit her job and make my life hell because I found someone else that makes me happy. For someone her age the way she is acting is very similar to that of a 13-year-old and even that is giving her way too much credit. I want to use an example of what I’m talking about. she happened to walk by and see me talking to my Girlfriend on webcam and she says nicely as if trying to strike up a conversation “oh. is that your Girlfriend?” I say “yes” and she replied “well I hope she fuck you over like you fucked me over.” How mature is that? Like the old saying goes, why settle for cat food when you can have a steak? She was not 100% accepting of my condition and would make it seem like an inconvenience to aid me with somethings or whatever and like i said she is just very mean and bitter and that is the opposite of what I am, if she is the best I could of done I would just opt to be alone.Lucky for me though i had two of my major wishes come true all at once. I found a nice girl who I know friends and family would approve of and I found my new job.That has made her even more bitter because now she knows she has to be out by october 1st for sure and I won’t let her stay, As a result she has tried making things very difficult for me from now until the time she will be leaving and all i can say is I wish I had a licence to kill. I think the only thing that will ever set her straight is if someone knocks her out because she just needs to shut her big mouth. She plays on the fact that I would never hit a woman but I can feel me reaching my limits and because she is not very woman like it would make it all the easier to knock her out. I think the reason she has nothing was also brought on by her own choices but she is blaming everyone else.

Up till now I was sympathetic with her because most people are vulchers but now after everything she has the nerve to say I’m screwing her over? How is it my fault she can’t hold a job or manage money? I told her roughly on september 4th I would like her out and went so far as to say she could stay till the 10th so in my mind that is more than generous and it’s over a month notice, In my mind screwing her over would have been telling her to get out right then and there, If she chooses not to do anything now come next month when she is living on the street it will be her own hand. Granted I did originally say i would re-sign for another six months when the current lease ends october 31st in trying to be debt free but the combination of the fact that she is very negative and bitter combined with the fact that I found someone made me choose to ask her to leave as everything in the apartment is mine and it would be better for her to leave then me and I have given her more than enough time. If anyone disagrees with this please tell me?

I can’t undo what has already been done and god knows what i was thinking getting mixed up with her but loneliness makes us do things sometimes and now that I’m free of her I feel allot better and I know this is a time of new beginnings i just somehow have to figure out a way to get through the remaining days with her living here and then once she is gone i can officially heal from her.
This Is another entry only a different day:
Hello All
I want to start out to say this won’t be one of my venting sessions but rather a chance to express how happy I am for the first time in my life. As most of you know I’ve gone through some tough times the last few weeks with finding and job and home life and so on. However there are some changes coming in my life for the better..My first piece of Joy that I would like to share with everyone is I found an amazing new girl to share my life with and I’m very lucky to have and love her very much. Second piece of information is I have new Job .
I will also have my apartment all to myself within the next couple of weeks removing the last thorn in my side. For the first time everything in my life feels rightThe new woman in my life is the final piece of the puzzle she is amazing and she understands me and accepts me for me and I can see good things happening for the both of us.as for my party, it has gone from being a morale boosting party to a party of celebration so I urge all who want to come and share in happiness to come and join the fun
Ok so those are the two entries when I went on Facebook and read them you can just about Imagine how I was feeling and to make matters worse all his friends were able to read everything I was more than just humiliated needless to say beside myself and pissed as anyone else would be.
Many of the things he said about me were not true yes he had a disability and no It is not true that I did not help him, In fact I did all the time and went out of my way to make him happy but I guess my best was never good enough for him.
Throughout all the relationships Iv had they have either been abusive In one form or another or both and It never fails they always leave for someone younger than me and just getting sick and tired of shit people do I am now 46, 47 this year In August and getting to old for this stupid drama shit that comes with relationships I’m simply had just about as much as I can take and It’s really too bad that things never worked out with any of my relationships because all I ever wanted was a family, a home, walk in closet and a white picket fence pretty simple shit but seems pretty much near Impossible to reach and the trust that I once had In people and giving the benefit of the doubt has now gone and although I am no longer angry and bitter like I once was I am no more.
I would like people to know that read my blogs the reason I talk about things I do and this Is no exception this blog Is that people say I come across as the “poor me” well let me just say this is not the case.
I don’t say these things because I want to gain sympathy I talk about these things on my blog so that for once people can understand me better.
 More to follow tomorrow
Thank you everyone for reading my blogs and I hope this gives everyone more Insight and better understanding of the real Elaine and maybe for some of you I have never shared this about myself so may come as a real surprise.

Another day of reflection


Ok, so If you remember me writing In my blog about Mike the man that Lana saved not to long ago well yesterday I was told by couple of people that he was off life support and died, yet again another sad state of mind good lord I really hope this stops Its just awful It has started to make me think that  I really need to start taking some control over my eating habits and seriously go on the second floor and working out everyday.
So, today I have also been thinking and doing much reflecting on my life first I want to say one thing and that Is when ever I talk about my life and tried to share It with people I usually get the reply "dont be the poor me" well, I guess those people never really knew me at all, you see the only thing I wanted was to get some kind of support from people a shoulder to lean on and cry and people to understand me thats all I have ever wanted from others and most of my life I have always felt like an outcast like I never belonged.
For example when I used to go to school when I was much younger I always use to dread gym class the reason being we would sometimes have to have 2 teams and every single time I was always picked last not only did I feel like an outcast but, the humiliation that I felt everytime was unbelievable, so eventually I decided to skip gym classes after feeling humiliation and an outcast after a prolonged period I was just sick to death of It and had enough.
Another thing that I remember was when I was much younger 8 years old If I recall my mother had a sister by the name of Kathleen and another sister by the name of Elizabeth anyway, I had gone over to Kathleen and Bills house my parents were both at work Bill was Kathleens husband and I liked to clean so I cleaned their house and remember plain as day Kathleen coming up to me and saying I remember the words quite clearly "when your parents are gone I want nothing to do with you" yes, I am not joking I wish I were I even remember the color of her bathroom It was yellow I never said anything to my parents because I did not want to cause a fight and know how much my parents would have been hurt and wanted to save them from that.
Looking back and reflecting my parents wanted to protect me from everything so I guess I kind of lived a sheltered life but was I ever happy living at home Iv never been happier, my parents protected me from everything and I protected my parents from things that Kathleeen and Bill would say about them and me… Kathleen and Bill also had a habit of putting me down and never saying anything nice about anyone and never found out till later In life but they used to bully my parents when I found out about that man was I ever pissed off and I mean pissed off!, my parents were good people no matter what anyone says and I still have a heart of gold and always have.
I remember the day of my fathers passing my now X husband piece of shit that he was I called home In Okotoks which was at the time 30 minutes from the city limits of Calgary (we were living In Calgary at the time) was calling to see how my parents were doing well, Jim, which was my mothers brother answered the phone Im thinking ok this cant be good something has happened I asked him why he was there he just said I had to come out there and did not care how but to get myself out there ASAP so called scumbag (This Is how I refer to him the x husband) told him he In turn said Im at work and eventually after fighting over the phone for 20 minutes came home headed out to Okotoks and as we turned the corner toward the house I had a real sense of sadness was really upset well, got out of the car ran Into the house and here was half of my family everyone was very sad my mother was crying and I said "what the hell happened here" Jim, my mothers brother came up to me ( he Is a catholic priest) and said dad had passed away and to this very day I dont remember what happened for the next few days after Its like I have blocked It out….but at the end of the week being Friday there was stampede wrestling and that piece of shit I married said to me "lets get tickets to stampede wresting and go"" Im thinking what the fuck I wanted to smack him senseless boy was I ever upset did not talk to him for days after he wanted sex and I cut him off of that for 4 weeks as I recall shitbag.
You know nothing pisses me off more than Insensitive people and Injustice In the world.
 
 

Money talks


Some people In this block are really very upset Manitoba Housing apparently never does anything In here or so Im told I have never personally had a bad experience really as of yet but one never knows what might come up every now and then.
It seems that when you are In low income housing you get treated much differently like you are the lowest of the low, people that are able to make changes dont even want to bother let alone we next to never see the property manager here.
 I have seen Georgina once and that was very brief like maybe 2 minutes at the most It seemed she could not wait to get out of this building and I rather took offence because Its like she did not have the time of day for me, It really annoys me that not everyone is treated equally you know money really means shit and quite honestly I prefer to live my life without It( I know your probably thinking you have got to be kidding me) well no Im not, I see the people on wall street being greedy little bastards and still taking money from the taxpayers, living the high life and for petes sake we are In a recession whats wrong with people and society I mean honestly? and as for our government well, I have a few choice words for them to along with the former president Bush dipshit that he was.
Sorry I went on a tangent there and yes I was going to get to a point anyways I have never really had that much money to begin with well ok when mom passed away I went Into retirement for a few years just cause I wanted to and rented out my condo for a year or two for $630 which I thought was quite reasonable and was extremely lucky that I had really good tenants, at the time they looked after the condo that my mother had left me, my mother also left me the city of Calgary pension that my dad had given to her that would last until 2008 unfortunately my mother would not live quite that long so the rest of the pension upon my mothers passing was given to me.
Basically I was given everything that my mother had pretty much and  I was set for life I was happy I was also given my mothers car which was a blessing for me because It would have the means for me getting around.
One memory that I remember now Is when It was time for the will to go to probate I had gone to see my co-executor signed the papers and all I had to do was wait until It went through the courts well, about a day later I got a call from the bank I had to go back down there so was kind of baffled they said there was something wrong with the papers so Im thinking oh ok! well get this It turns out, I signed my mothers estate to the bank oh lordie what the hell was I thinking Im thinking that would explain a few things for sure we got It all sorted out of course but that would just proove how much of a mess I was In having to do all this legal stuff and try key word try and keep my head above water good grief unbelievable since my mothers passing having been recent I was suprised looking back In retrospect how the heck I got as much done as I did.

Another Saturday night


Hello everyone, well It has been a real eventful night here by the computers was going to start writing In my blog hours ago when I started talking to this lady next to me her name Is Alaine kind of weird hey the only difference between our names Is one letter at the beginning so as the hours went by we were chatting up a storm wow do we ever have alot of similiarities Im like thinking shes my twin or something so for the most part we spent our Saturday night have intellectual conversation and chilling out by the computers and the time Is now oh 2AM we have been talking for over 3 hours… today I also met a lady that I have run Into several times while being In the elevator and me being the sociable person I am you can expect me to use my mouth and talk and so I had a chance to also chat up a storm with, her name Is Dorothy and she works at Walmart she seems like a very nice lady too, Dorothy said that she would like to do coffee sometime so Im thinking that would be nice and Alaine well I guess I will be seeing her again tomorrow night…I have decided to spread my good cheer of Easter around today to some of those In my block sooooo they are getting some dinner too there Is Jim, Stella, and Vikki 3 people of whom I like I do not want any leftovers tonight after dinnner and have decided on strawberries and whipped cream for desert for Diane and I..so I finally went and crashed at 4AM and very tired today so I shall, In all liklihood fall asleep early this evening say around 10PM hopefully.
Well, we finished dinner sometime ago and was enjoyed by all and I got many "thank you’s" from others that I shared It with I feel like I have done my good deed for the day…I had run Into Alaine several times today as well so we had some small talk, I really feel good about being here being able to associate myself with many other people and not Isolating myself for weeks and even months which I have done In the past I seem to be well on my way to being the person nice, down to earth, caring Individual that I once was as opposed to being a very bitter and angry woman.

A week of paramedics on the block


Well, my friends, this week has really been an interesting one here on the block, as well as Easter Is fast approaching and have finally put my plans and decisions finally Into action and mentally It has been a very draining week, you know the categories for these blogs what Im really thinking Is they need to put a category for Mental Health think they missed putting that one In.
Today, a lady I guess by the name of Doreen had passed away In our apt block last night apparently they said she had died about 12 hours prior to finding her and wow let me tell you, I am starting to relive what happened to both my parents and what I myself had gone through, and how I felt at the time, just a slap in the face realisticallty speaking…Doreen was the lady that every Monday when we used to play Bingo she would call the numbers although I did not really get to know her well I am deeply saddened by her passing but remembering that she is now in a much better place.
Throughout the course of this week I think I have seen the paramedics in this building I live in about 6 times Its been very busy here this week.
My decisions that I have had to make throughout the course of this week I think are justified I quit school…I am no longer going, for several different reasons one of which is most concern to me because we have been doing many life skills at school I have been greatly affected emotionally and keep on breaking down crying in class if I am wanting to get into the line of work I do which is social work/counsellor I can not be affected like this,  good grief I will end up having the clients come and comfort me instead ok and that is just not kosher I was thinking of the option of putting it on hold but unfortunately that will not be possible at this point in time as they do not allow that and the thing is that once I am out the job re-entry in August then I am having to go into classes at Red River College pretty much right away and start doing a practicum so at this point In time I would have to say that maybe at a later date.
This block I live In Im telling you seriously instead of watching daytime drama you should be living here instead theres plenty of drama that goes on here believe you me, sometimes when I am on the computer I overhear people talikng about shit and other people and am getting to the point where I want to just avoid coming down here at all sometimes but whatever.
I have met a couple of really nice people here like Diane and Vikki they both are pretty nice and would rather associate with the both of them rather than anyone else In here..I am having Diane over on Sunday for a turkey dinner just her and I and no one else peace and quiet and no drama.
Yesterday being Thursday came down and was speaking with Lana yes you Lana and for all of you reading my blog she Is a hero and saved a life on Thursday night apparently a tenent here eithier had a minor heart attack and/or seizure stopped breathing and Lana applied CPR and got his heart started again, paramedics were called and later they came back and told her that she had saved his life wow!! even when I leave this building I will never forget what she did and I will be calling her office and telling the property manager here that she deserves some kind of recognition for a job well done indeed.
So today being Friday I had run into my neighbor Jim seems like a real nice guy and has done many good things for me for instance gave me some bread that was frozen and some frozen potatoe pieces has also cooked couple things for me I think he has a good heart and his laugh my god his laugh kills me but think he has a good aura although I am treading very carefully with ALL people In this place now since Lauralee and Albert screwed me those two are a real piece of work and talk about controlling and attitude.
Earlier last week which I forgot to write about Evelyn a lady that I met down here In the lounge and always say hi to somehow we got on the topic of religions one day and she gave a couple of watchtowers magazines thought well why not read it but, as It turned out I never really did pick them up and read them front to back she Is Jehovah Witness I mean I have an open mind but when It comes to my religion Im thinking BOUNDARIES! here, anyway she has asked me If I would be Interested in doing a bible study not knowing quite what to say I said wasnt sure anyhow on with the story I met her on the bus downtown coming home the other day we sat together and started talking she brought up If I was going on Thursday and was contemplating when It was brought up about the breaking of the bread and that they, I am to assume Evelyn and the people she was going with did not take the bread and passed It on to others that supposedly needed It more well that was It for me I am not going to deny myself the body of christ and thats all there Is to It I declined her offer to attend on Thursday because there was something nagging at me and my sixth sense kicked In and did not feel right about going that was one thing and on one occassion I had Invited her Into my apartment thought It would be a nice thing to do (this was before I had declined her offer to attend) I had made hamburger stew and Invited her for dinner she accepted I was happy but I get really pissed off when I dont get a thank you, there were other things as well that annoyed me like using my phone and not asking first well, all I can say Is never again my boundaries were violated, I will still be nice but never to my apartment again.
 
 
 
 

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