Depression what Is It and what are some of the causes?

Depression what Is It 
Depression is a long and seemingly negative mood which can Interfere In someones everyday life to the point where you wonder why you were even put on this earth and many feelings unfortunately attached to It that are very negative In nature, some feelings that one might experience would be worthlessness, excessive guilt, loneliness, neverending sadness, hopelessness, self doubt and yes suicidal thoughts can also be present. All of which I just mentioned I have suffered from over long extended periods of time and from personal experience have to tell you that there really is no worse feeling especially so If you have no one to turn to feeling like no one cares about you I had no brothers no sisters and no family as my mom passed away In 1994 and dads passing In 1983 I was feeling so alone there were even times when all I wanted to do was literally go out on the road and play In traffic hoping to get hit, depression can also become so Intense that It can last from months to many years In my case It has been many years which may be a dysfunctional form of depression I have once been diagnosed with clinical depression to the point where I almost signed myself Into hospital but never did Instead I had just hung In there as I have a strong will to overcome things which I eventually did and finally did something about It.
What causes us to get depressed
There may be many causes for someone to become depressed the list Is quite varied but here are a few of them that I have experienced over the years:
  • Significant loss and/or disappointment my life has been full of this and thought that It would never end.
  • Loss of control over eithier the environment I was living In, and feeling as though nothing can be done to change the unfortunate events In my life all my life I have felt that I had to have control over everything and the unfortunate happenings In my life only to eventually realize that whatever is going to happen will happen and there will be no stopping It and have come to realize as well that for everything that happens In life there is always a reason behind It.
  • Negative thoughts about myself that gradually became self defeating this Is nothing new to me negative thoughts and self defeat was all that I never knew.
  • Unrealistic expectations and my percieved failure this Is definitely me there were many times when I had unrealistic expectations of myself I guess I thought I was wonderwoman or something and when It did not work out I know I had failed at what I had set out to do and consequently saw myself as being a neverending failure.

Here are some of the symptoms that one might feel along with many others these are some of the ones I had experienced:

Emotional symptoms:

  • Neverending sadness
  • Constant anxiety
  • Guilt all the time
  • Anger
  • Constant mood swings
  • Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness

Some of my physical symptoms were and still are to this day:

  • Sleeping too much or too little In my case sleeping too much and starting to think there is some underlying health problems I might have.
  • Overeating or a loss of appetite well this one for me would be overeating, for the last few months I have come to realize that when I am very upset and angry all I want to do Is reach for the cupboard and eat and since I left my last partner I think I have gained over 100 pounds because now that I no longer smoke there seems to be nothing else that is Immediate except food that I can access and now that I realize It Is a problem I am now being mindful of what I put In my mouth and starting to lead a much more healthy lifestyle.
  • Weight gain this would tie Into the above with overeating
  • Gradual loss of sexual desire okay well this one may be shocking to many of you but I have no desire to be Intimate with anyone I have many reasons for this, one of which was when I was raped when I was around 17/18 and no I did not report It because I thought I deserved It and would be frowned upon, I have also had relationships where I was Intimate once and then no one wanted anything to do with me afterward not so much as a phone call so I finally decided that Instead of feeling like I was being used I ended Intimacy alltogether so therefore I no longer have an Interest In It.

 Some of the behavioral symptoms I had encountered:

  • Crying for no apparent reason I had this happen to me sometimes and think It had to do with me being so overwhelmed with so many different things all at one time and not having anyone I could turn to that would understand and help me.
  • Withdrawl from people and situations I never used to be like this many years ago, the people that knew me and still do Im sure would agree to that and now after 18 months I have become very mellow and sometimes do not like to be around many people as I need my space and no longer wish to be around drama now I just want to go out and enjoy what life has to offer me.
  • Getting angry easily boy did I ever have a short fuse and was labeled as a "bitch" looking back now and not that I am justifying my getting angry and sometimes taking It out on others but when a person Is so depressed and trying to reach out to someone to talk to on numerous occassions only to find out that they dont understand and didnt care this Is when I was starting to get angry and take It out on others the frustration was just starting to build more and more.
  • Being unmotivated depression really had that effect on me and did not realize just how bad that It had become there were times that It was hard enough to get out of bed and get coffee and had no motivation to do the things that I had once really enjoyed doing.
  • Loss of Interest In one’s physical appearance after being depressed for so very long It just came to the point where honestly I did not care what I looked like and what I was to wear.
  • Loss of Interest In activities that I had previously enjoyed In my case I had no desire to do housework which I enjoyed doing as well as listening to my music which usually had a very soothing effect on me.
  • Turning to drugs and alcohol after having left my partner I could have turned to drugs and alcohol and came close but never did and because I have been homeless I now have a better understanding of why people on the street do, I think one of the reasons that they do Is because they find It hard to cope, no one will talk to them, they feel so alone, In my case to add to that I had no family to turn to and I wanted to end It all felt like my life was worth nothing and that god had put me on this earth just to make my life a living hell and was mad at him for It thinking I must have been really mean In a previous life to deserve this kind of shit needless to say I was well on my way to the dark side.

Something to think about

Considering society as a whole is so money driven thought that I would post this as it gives us all something to think about
Money Is not everything:
  • It can buy a bed but It will not buy you sleep
  • It can buy you a clock but It will not buy you time
  • It can buy a book but will not buy you knowledge
  • It can buy you a position but will not buy you respect
  • It can buy you medication but It will not buy you your health
  • It can buy you blood but not your life
  • It can buy you sex but not an ounce of love

Self Esteem Our core, the person that we are

Hello everyone:
Today, I wanted to touch on the subject of self-esteem because It Is so very Important as I have now come to realize.
Having been In abusive relationships and around people who have been abusive toward me  I finally realized they are no good for me and my self-esteem takes a beating,  no-one needs or deserves to be dealing with that nor should it ever be accepted.
When I had come to Winnipeg Manitoba after having been in numerous womens shelters I realized how important self-esteem was, when living at Alpha House for almost one year which is a second stage housing for battered women that have left abuse.
Living in Alpha House  has helped me realize that there are ways to Increase my self-esteem as well as decrease my self-esteem that I can really Identify with,  here are some of them:
To decrease self-esteem:
Compare ourself often with others, especially those that are more successful. There is nothing that I dislike more than to work for an employer and have competitions to see who is better at their job to me this is a perfect example of how to have someones high self-esteem drop down to having none.
To Increase a persons self-esteem:
We have to realize our own potential and accept the fact that there will always be people who are more successful In certain areas, I really do like this way of thinking we may be good at many things but others may be able to do It better and you know what that’s okay too!.
To decrease self-esteem:
Demand perfection of yourself and then only to reflect on your failures yup this one would definitely be me It has taken me forever It seems In order to not go Into beat myself up mode although at best I still sometimes do,  this one would definitely be a recipe for disaster as far as self-esteem goes so for all those that do this,  from my past experiences this will really kill your self-esteem hence feeling terrible It just doesn’t pay to demand perfection of yourself and reflect on failures.
To Increase self-esteem:
Accept that you and no one else Is perfect accept the fact that you will fail at things sometimes and guess what that’s okay too!
Okay I have to admit I have tried to be perfect and do things right the very first time but no matter what,  sometimes It just doesn’t happen look at all the challenges I have gone through such as many failed relationships, being angry so I have failed in some areas of my life and not afraid to admit It.
To decrease self-esteem:
Always say “If only”  and berate ourself for being stupid for not making the right choices we are our own worst enemies at best I know I am, this Is something that I have done to myself so often, I quit counting after one hundred I very rarely do this anymore however, I have to say It Is a learned behavior.
To Increase self-esteem:
Accept that I did the best I could then and just accept It for what It Is. Something positive and negative comes from the choices that we make, next time I will try harder.
To accept the best that I can do this used to be a real tough one for me as I would constantly say and think that I was stupid because things did not turn out the way I had wanted them to and/or making wrong choices which I have made more than my fair share of.
To decrease self-esteem:
Learn to read the minds of others and more specifically the negative thoughts that people may have about you. No matter how In tune we are with other people we for sure do not know how a person will react to a given situation nor know what they are thinking unless we are born with the ability to do such a thing which I do believe Is possible for some.
To Increase self-esteem:
Don’t assume what other people’s thoughts are, I really dislike the fact that people assume It really bugs me because most, If not all the time others are wrong and when It really comes down to It the only opinion that really has any Importance is of ourself and does not matter what others think of us.
To Decrease self-esteem:
Expect the worst and each time we fail telling ourself how right we were. Can we say self sabotage here I can not tell you how many endless times I have done this very thing I always thought It was a wise choice to expect the worst so that way I would not be disappointed.
To Increase self-esteem:
Expect to succeed and when you do give yourself a pat on the back as you deserve It,  this has been a very hard thing for me to do for many years due to my lack of self-esteem Issues.
To decrease self-esteem:
Talk often about how depressed you are okay seriously this was me and yes I still have my moments having been In a state of depression for years on end I have been on anti depressants as well which In the near future I do plan to stop as I feel that I no longer need them.
To Increase self-esteem:
Talk about the things that please you and make you happy, It seems that when being In a state of depression for me talking about things that pleased me or made me happy was simply out of the question I had lived from day-to-day but now I have plans for my future, I am happy and content, feeling at peace and much of that has to do with the fact memories are starting to come back and have closure on many things which I did not have before and writing about It.
To decrease self-esteem:
Be judgemental and use words like “should” “shouldnt” etc. We are our own worst critic I had been for many years always thinking that I added up to nothing, feeling worthless and useless and being In many not so good relationships did not help me any.
To Increase self-esteem:
If we use words like I will, not because I should but because I want to we should not judge ourself as sometimes things are not always necessarily black and white all the time.
To decrease self-esteem:
Be detached from life Instead of attached because that way you might get hurt If becoming Involved this was so me years and years ago I was just so sick and tired of being hurt and betrayed by others I gave up on associations with anyone and became very Isolated never going out, the hobbies I once had were no more among other things.
To Increase self-esteem:
Participate In life and relate to people as well as do things this was hard for me to do until 2008 when I went Into shelter I was always afraid of being hurt again and betrayed however now that I have become a better person and having the many counsellors helping me get that way no longer do I have all the toxic people who were In my life I have realized that I am worth something and can also give to society and help others and the place In which I live have finally started to associate with others that are good for me and can have a healthy relationship with.

Coping with the silent killer called STRESS

My life overall has been full of nothing but stress and over the course of many years have found It very difficult to deal with and not knowing how to deal with It over time has caused me to lash out at others which was never my Intention but happened nonetheless I have done quite a bit of reading on stress, anxiety, sleep disorders and the like I think all of what I mentioned are Intertwined together here are some ways that I found that will help to lessen the burden on dealing with stress perhaps they may be of some use to others as well… I know that most, If not all these help me :
Cultivate spirituality
Find ways to renew your soul and spirit..I know for many years I went Into a dark place felt no one loved me and did not feel that I was worth being loved because so many things were going wrong In my life grew distant to god until I came here to Manitoba and my whole life changed for the better I might add, going Into second stage housing with Intense counselling for 9 months and although the counselling for me was very painful at best the payoff for me has been a good one as I have come closer to god and my belief Is with god ALL things are possible.
Nutrition and rest
Basic components to overall health…Believe me when I tell you If you do not have these components you will become very sick, unable to think clearly, weak, tired, and In my case a real loss of appetite to the point of concern and although I used to take my health for granted when I was much younger It has caught up to me now that I am almost 47 and just adds more to your stress level when you dont get the proper sleep and eat healthy so Iv found out do yourself a favor and dont make the same mistake I did.
Talk It out
Talking over your worries with somone you trust or close friends can relieve your tension and bring problems In some kind of perspective for so many years I kept everything bottled up Inside me because I did not think, and after so many times of being told that people did not want to hear about my problems I was just told to deal with It so I decided to not say anything anymore and my payback was an ulcer at the age of 22 and now that I am almost 47 I still get flareups with my ulcer so do yourself a favor and and talk to close friends and people that you trust that will not throw things up In your face In years to come and/or try to find some support groups too.
Try excercising go to the gym
I know that when I get really upset, angry, and frustrated physical activity Is one of the best things to do to relieve tension and Increase your well being there has been many times when I have been frustrated and the tension In my body Is taking Its toll along with headaches turning Into migraines and have found for me that going to the gym works It off and usually end up spending a whole afternoon there and later In the day after having an Intense workout I become much more relaxed and tend to think much more clearly.
Pay attention to your thoughts
Try to avoid negative thinking, try not to put yourself down and create realistic messages about your abilities yes I know I am one to talk as I have done this for many years and still do from time to time but seems to be getting less and less I think It is a learned behavior negative thinking, putting myself down all the time was a part of my everyday life, due to my low self esteem being In a state like this, I have found for me putting yourself down along with negative thinking will put you Into a state of depression and once I am at that point It Is so hard to get yourself out of It, so try to think good things about yourself and try to think positive thoughts as opposed to the negative ones.
Clarify your values and realize that you do have a purpose In life
Try building your life around these and try and  realize that you have your own morals, values and a purpose In life we have our own morals and values In life It does not matter If others agree with them or not Its all about you and people accepting you the way that you are.
One of the big things that I have struggled with for many years Is having to realize that I have a purpose In life, many times I have felt that I was put on this earth for no purpose whatsoever except pain and heartache which has been for a good part of 25 years with many losses In my life which tore my whole life apart for example the loss of my father, my mother, my 3 children who eithier died from spontaneous abortion or miscarried and of course my son Donnie who, to this very day have not seen since he was 3 , he Is now 25 years of age and still to this day miss him very much especially holidays and Christmas which was close to when Donnie was born along with broken and abusive relationships.. I have now found my calling and that Is to help others and write a book about my life and hope to be an Inspiration to others and  be an Inspirational speaker as well however, If I am to eventually do that shall we say toastmasters will be In order.
So always remember although you may have many moments where you do not know your purpose In life never forget we ALL have a purpose In life.
Simplify your life
Too many things can be very overwhelming especially if you have more than one thing going at a time well, this really would describe me In the past however, now I try not to overwhelm myself by doing many things at once as It confuses the hell out of me and not sure what In gods name Im doing sometimes I tried to be wonderwoman however I have since realized It wont happen no matter how hard I try not only that but talk about stress you know Its just not worth It so I simplified my life and now I feel like a new person.
Time management this can be learned If It Is a problem, for me, my problem was not taking any time out for myself but putting everything else as a priority only thing that was missing was me and now that I have left Alpha House and made a new life they have taught me to take some time and do self care which Is part and parcel of time management so take some time for yourself as you are worth It women, children and men.
Make time for Leisure activities and laughter  all work and no play no so not healthy, I found that laughter truly Is the best medicine, relieves stress and tension life Is too serious to take everything seriously all the time and leisure activities no matter what It is reading a book, swimming, shopping or what ever makes you happy make time for the activities that you like to do and enjoy I finally have after so many years of not doing so.
Pace yourself this Is something that I have had to learn to do as many years ago pacing myself I dont think I ever heard of the term was always on the go never stopping to take a deep breath and look at what I was doing to myself, looking back now I think that more than likely had added to my stress level so now I do not take on as much as I once did and have become much more relaxed and make a point of pacing myself.
Relax your standards no one Is perfect we are all human we are not perfect beings and we do from time to time make mistakes I have made plenty of them I have also tried to be a perfectionist and no matter how hard we try to be we never will be a perfectionist so all I can do Is try my very best and just leave the rest.
Avoid negative people wow this one was huge for me, not so very long ago anyone that would give me the time of day became a friend to me or so I thought only to be betrayed In the end or lied to or taken advantage of or some type of abuse It was a very hard lesson for me to learn all for the sake of acceptance which I never had anyway so now I am more particular about the company I keep and that way I will not be with others that drag me down and be around negativity Instead to be around more positive people which with It will bring positive energy.
Letting go for those of you that know me very well you know how hard It has been for me to let go of past Issues a few of those are resentment, and distrust ( this was a big one for me) It has drained me emotionally, drained me of energy and joy I have found, and looking back now I have realized that It has stopped me from living a life of peace and contentment just to name a few and although for many years I had no Idea how to let go I have been able to with the help of the many counsellors that started the journey of healing with me.
Count your blessings although In life things do have a habit of going wrong from time to time I have realized that what some people might take for granted may be very hard for others to achieve like a good paying job, a car, a nice home I now, after being homeless and close to loosing my sanity on many different occassions I no longer take things for granted such as the good paying job, two of which I had previously only for them to both be eithier bought out by an american company or the department had closed down and the nice home that I lived In with my parents and the condo that I did Inherit from my mothers estate I went from having everything I wanted all the way to what seemed to me at the time of being homeless to hell so I no longer take things for granted, having been homeless myself have a better understanding of the people that do live on the street and each and everyday I count my blessings and for the wonderful people In my life that really care about me you know who you are so count your many blessings for they are many.
Have Integrity, honesty and self respect not so long ago I used to get up In the morning and look at myself In the mirror and I was totally disgusted with myself and my life having my moments when I just wanted to end It all but after a long struggle of self sabatoge I overcame It and have a much better and positive attitude about myself and my life I regained my Integrity and self respect the payoff was a great one and glad I hung In there.
Contribute to others to give of yourself It creates a feeling of purpose and accomplishment you will be able to go home at the end of the day and realize the you have accomplished something which will create a feeling of purpose In your life.

Another day

Hello everyone:
Well today It has been raining In fact just pouring down and went off to work as per usual but today was much different, after just over a week of Intense training on the publishers clearing house account that I was, along with 19 others training to work on next week and for the second time this week I broke down crying In class because of the stress level of trying to learn so much In the short time we have In class, and having been constantly bombarded with so much Information In one day for over a week I could not take anymore of It simply put I could not learn anything In class my mind, no matter how hard I tried I would not retain anything anymore It just was not happening, earlier In the week I had spoken to both the trainer and HR consultant and explained the situation I was In they both understood where I was at and asked me If I would try for just a few more days which I did that was 2 days ago so about 2pm today I spoke with my trainer In class and then went down to talk to the HR consultant she understood where I was coming from we both agreed that PCH probably was not the best placement for me but she did tell me that when there are openings on the ocean spray and/or the krispy creme accounts that she would give me a call and ask me to come back as right now there are no openings on those accounts however there will be In the fall so I cant wait to go back needless to say I am happy about that but not at the fact that again I am out of work not to mention I feel like a failure, useless, depressed and stupid for not learning like everyone else In class so at the moment I am kind of In beat myself up mode.

Assertiveness myths versus reality

Assertiveness myths and reality
Society as a whole seems to think that a woman being assertive means they are being a “bitch” the myths that I am adding are among some that I believed for many years and considering myself to be a people pleaser I believed all of these from the time I entered my first relationship up until the time I left Alpha House:
Myth Assertive women are pushy women…..this Is why over time I was not assertive anymore thought I was being pushy.
The reality Is  Assertive women have defined their needs and boundaries and can communicate them, showing respect to others.
Myth If you say no to a request you are being selfish……this Is why I have found It hard to say no throughout the course of my relationships and being a people pleaser.
The reality is Saying no to a request Is simply setting a boundary, saying no can be done with thoughtfulness and consideration.
Myth To be polite you have to be non assertive….I thought this for so many years
The truth Is  Politeness is courteousness. Being non assertive so I found out would be the Inability to communicate ones own needs and boundaries.
Myth  Being assertive also means conflict and I really hate conflict…I believed this from the time I left home through my relationships and up until I left Alpha House.
The reality is  Aggressiveness stirs up conflict.. It only stirs up conflict If we are dealing with a person who Is unwilling to accept or respect our boundaries.
Myth  If we learn to use assertiveness, you might become a “bitch”… yes I did believe this one for a good many years society seems to think that way In my opinion.
The reality is If we use assertive skills they show respect for ourselves and for others and you will never be a “bitch”, However, we may be called a bitch by anyone who would be unwilling to acknowledge our legitimate needs and our boundaries… It would appear that this would be their way of avoiding their own shortcomings.

My perceptions on anger and things that make me angry

Before I came to Manitoba and my last stop at shelter was Alpha House I was very angry and the hidden anger I had was just unbelievable and to the point where when I was upset, and angry my body would tell me so by having the terrible migraine headaches, aches and pains all over, felt emotionally drained all the time, and was not able to sleep at night just to mention a few of the many things I went through on a daily basis, there were many more and because I had no way to express my anger In a positive way I expressed my anger In less than a positive way…. reflecting on how I used to be this Is how I percieved my anger:
When I was angry sometimes I would lash out at people and spoke before thinking about any consequences which as I look back now I must have hurt some people which I am very sorry for.
When I was angry and upset I always felt very emotionally drained and once I was that way It was like that the whole day and had to sleep It off.
When I was angry I always felt my whole body tense up along with major migraines, tense muscles to the point that It was painful to get up or sit down and move In any given direction.
If other people saw me angry they would not want to be around me, they would avoid and never approach me.
If other people saw me angry I’d feel like they would call me a bitch behind my back and say "what are you doing with her"
When other people get angry I shy away, listen to them vent and try and make some sense out of the situation.
Things that make me angry:
Arrogance Is a big one for me I can not and have no time for arrogant people.
Rude people, man they just really piss me off have some respect for others Is what I have to say.
Prejudice, everyone should be treated as an equal although sometimes for me It has Its challenges.
Tailgaters well what I have to say Is when someone tailgates me I slam on my breaks not only am I pissed off because they are tailgating me but It pisses them off me slamming on my breaks but man they like really slow down and think they get my point only to usually get the finger In the end In which case they can shove It up their ass.
Manipulation of my time like I have better things to do than having people monoplize my time I am a busy woman and trying to do a book.
Child abuse, elderly abuse, and abuse of any woman or man like I have no time for people that do this kind of bullshit god help them because I sure as hell wont assholes that do this deserve absoulutely no mercy In my opinion.
Waiting god In heaven there is nothing worse than waiting at a hospital emergency room for over 24 friggin hours.
Lies man oh man this Is a big one for me friendship Is based on being truthful and not one big lie which I had with my last partner for the last 6 months anyone who lies to me and Is caught well I will be the one to end the relationship not them.
Inconsiderate, all I have ever had most of my life Is Inconsiderate people well Elaine says not no more you do It you pay the price no more Elaine In your life!.
Injustice I really have a problem with Injustice In the world It just seems that what Is right Is wrong and whats wrong Is right In this day and age that also Includes the justice system that half the time never works.
Taxes god taxes they take your money that you work hard for taxes go up and we never see anything for It everything seems to revolve around money and not to mention the so called governemt they screw you every which way.
People who cheat me well that has been the story of my life not no more!.
People who cut In line, I say the line Is down there use It!!
Workers who dont do their job I get really pissed off with people that do not do their jobs at all and/or do a slack ass job of It as this causes a problem because the next person has to do It over or pick up slack for someone else.
My paycheques just knowing that couple days pay goes to my taxes and to my knowledge In their own pockets the government that Is.
People who dont listen as an example I was trying to help someone once by giving some of my words of wisdom did they listen NO not at all and as they say history repeats Itself and he ran Into the same problem over again.
False accusations when I was younger I was 16 at the time I took a job helping a woman as a homemaker did her dishes for her put them away after drying them she flatly accused me of stealing her cookware not only that, she actually called the police on me once police arrived at the house the police asked her to check to see If her cookware was missing again only to actually find It In the wrong place In her kitchen not only was I extremely pissed but obviously left permanently never to return to her home again In fact at that point I quit being a homemaker all together.
Animal abuse well considering I am a protecter for animals and active animal activist If I see anyone abuse an animal I will step In and save the animal In harms way no matter what the cost to me I really would give my life to save an animals.
People that dont think I cant stand stupid people.
Saying Insulting words and phrases to me that just shows much disrespect and have no time for people that do.
 How I would describe anger
Everyone has Ideas about what anger Is and looks like… some of mine are below:
  • Redness In the face to me If someone gets red In the face that spells double trouble and they are pissed off for me that means stay away.
  • Being loud and obnoxious by slamming doors, being rude, yelling, shouting and hitting just to mention a few this happens, In my experience, as well with drunk people to which I do not care to associate with, people such as these make me very nervous because anything at that point can trigger anger and become abusive.
  • Hitting ok that is just not acceptable behavior and has the potential to escalate to something else that could potentially become much more violent 
  • Tension well as for tension It can build up to something worse and has the potential to become much more violent the tension stage Is when all that built up anger could explode hence violence could occur. 
  • Destruction If I am around someone that becomes destructive of a physical nature Its time to head for the hills Im gone next will be violence for sure.
  • Yelling verbal abuse and I will no longer tolerate any of It from anyone ever again.
  • Tears I have done this one many times crying constantly as opposed to breaking down and becoming angry and becoming verbally abusive.
  • Control I can not and will not be around people that are controlling any longer there are warning signs that you can look for and I know many of them now. 
  • Put downs they kill our self esteem, we begin to feel lousy and  second guess ourselves I have for many years had low self esteem I just hide mine very well and also the way a person dresses can say many things about a persons self esteem.
  • Silence and the silent treatment It Is also a form of abuse I have had plenty of that In the course of my relationships.
  • Witholding It does not matter what they are witholding from you It not only shows anger but It also shows who is In control.
  • Verbal abuse any kind of verbal abuse will affect a persons emotional well being and If you have enough of It you begin to believe that you deserve It over the course of many years having had verbal abuse from past relationships It starts to affect you as a whole and you can become bitter and angry I did.
  • Violence this happens all the time In our society there are many types of abuse Psychological, Physical, Financial, and lastly Spiritual I have had all of these.

Past and potential anger

Hello everyone:
Well today I want to go through some of my past and potential anger and take a closer look as to why I was angry for many years past and the build up of my potential anger over the years.
Along with sadness, a great deal of anger Is present when there has been a loss In ones life there are reasons for ones anger – the many things that were said or that did not happen as well as words that I needed to hear, the times when I had a lack of validation for how I felt In the course of my life much of my hidden anger was never really expressed and although I had a wonderful home life my aunt and uncle (I will refer to them as K and B) which I have since disowned for many years now had a great big Impact on my childhood and not a good one eithier some of the things that I remmember with K and B are:
  • I had always felt that when K and B were around I had no sense of belonging and always feeling like a complete outcast no matter what I did Kand B were so self righteous everything was always wrong and never even thought twice about how many people they had hurt In the process Including my parents.
  • I remmember being about 13 at the time when my parents had been at work one day I called both mom and dad at work telling them that I was afraid of thunder and lightning and mom and dad had called K and B to please come and get me at the house they had promised that they would well the thunder and lightning came and went they never came to get me as far as I remember.
  • When I had my son Donnie ( named after my father who was Don) while I was going through a bad child custody battle with that piece of crap I married K had said right to my face "give up Donnie" I started to question how good a parent I was.

  • K and B upsetting our household It seems that whenever they were around I would leave because I could not stand to be around them and my parents well Im not really sure how they felt It would not be expressed to me.

  • I was always afraid of going to school because first off when we had to take the school bus Robyn would sit at the back she hated me with a passion and there was never any room for me to be able to sit down she would take the back of the bus with her friends literally (she is the one that kept on bullying me in the washrooms In school)

  • I remember when my cousin was getting married me and my parents were never Invited to their wedding and also remember never getting anything from my cousin, K and B for my wedding not so much as even a card or better yet and phone call atleast.

  • It was like when my father had passed away I felt non existent no cards, no condolences, no how are you doing It was like my feelings did not matter I felt so alone with no one to talk to and help me deal with the loss of my dad and the piece of crap I married did not help. 

These are just some of the things I remember In my childhood that I believe have to do with my past anger and potential anger Issues that have lingered with me for many years. 

Be positive and build your self-esteem

Well today I started to go through my binders about abuse hoping that It would trigger more memories for me and as It turns out I have more than what I bargained for the memories are coming from here there and everywhere can’t seem to keep up but In any event I am going to write what I can today beginning with more positive stuff that we did while I was In Alpha House.
On Tuesdays when we had women’s group we had an exercise to do I guess It was more on building self-esteem about ourselves, at first I had troubles thinking of positive things about myself but over the course of a few days and thinking extremely hard I realized there are some good things about myself some of which I wish to share with you here, the dots represent we had to add something :
I have a good sense of….humor
I have been told  that I have pretty….brown eyes
I like myself because…..I have the ability to make changes In my life
People often compliment me about….my cooking
I am most happy when….I work and help with animals
One of the many positive traits I have Is….determination
I look good when….I dress up and go somewhere nice or go for dinner
I consider myself a good….person with a big heart
I have a natural talent for….cooking and being around animals seems that animals are drawn to me
…God….loves me!
I like the way I feel about myself when I….have animals around me
I know that I will be successful In life because I will….be and continue to be determined
Another exercise that we were asked to do was Things I’m proud of now In our culture someone who brags Is seen as being self-centered and boring however, I do not  see It that way, In the context of healing from abuse, pride Is an appropriate affirmation of accomplishments, some of my accomplishments and things that I am proud of are as follows:
For having the courage to leave abuse and get help.
For keeping my sanity through all the abuse I have had to endure over the course of 25 years yes, I said 25 years.
Becoming Independent again and plan to stay that way for the rest of my life thanks.
Working through my Issues and finally being able to understand abuse, part of my healing Is doing this writing and hopefully to turn Into a book one day and being able to help others.
Putting myself first which I have never done Instead I always look after others first, Instead of myself well not anymore I am NUMBER ONE!!!

I will live my life as I see fit

Since coming to Manitoba last year In March 2008 when I, for the last time arrived In shelter living at Alpha House being second stage housing which basically Is you are living Independently, Intense counselling, having your own apartment and perhaps as a bonus meeting some good friends along the way, or acquaintances In my case I thought It was friends but I guess turned out to be acquaintances Instead since they have not once picked up the phone and called me well, so be It I guess, as far as Im concerned If people will not give me the time of day and get to know me as a person then they are just a waste of my time I have had people try and succeed doing mind manipulation with me, telling other people about my personal life and feelings and betraying me to the biggest degree.
Looking back over the last year that I have been here In Winnipeg I have made myself Into a better person and no longer care If people accept me I keep very much to myself now, no longer have an Interest In meeting new people and as for the male gender and no I am not referring to my male friends here but the rest of the male population I would rather throw off the nearest balcony and toss In the Red River which happens to not be far from me Im living a pretty comfortable life right now no drama, peace and quiet, feeling very relaxed, and finally and most Importantly finally starting to remember so many memories that have been deeply buried and repressed for many many years I am so glad emotionally that I am making so much progress I never thought I would get to where I am now honestly I thought I would never see the day and also making some preliminary travel plans for my future and now that I have a job just down the street from me I will start to concentrate on stashing all my money and travel In about a year or two I also have no Interest In having a male companion In my life and never ever plan on getting married ever again or dating too for that matter and yes It may be a lonely life for me but I would rather have that than have stress, drama, being on an emotional roller coaster and hardly ever feeling like I belong and having all the family dram bullshit seriously I am through with all of It so when I start to loose tons of weight and men start to approach me again well sorry there honey eat you heart out Is what I will say thanks but no thanks my life Is finally my own and no one dictating to me on how I should be and how I should act dont think so not In this life anyway and quite honestly to hell with the In laws!!! In laws will be In another chapter of the blog so stay tuned for that.

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