One year ends and a New Year begins

Hello one and all:
Well, today Is the last day of the year and hopefully next year 2010 will be off to a good start and no I am not off to any parties either I am so passed that stage In my life however I coud say that this hippie chick could party with the best of them and at one time I could drink a few of my friends under the table and still walk out of the bars unlike the rest of my friends some of the stories I could tell you…anyway enough about parties.
So life at 101 goodness gracious immaculate conception, a tenant last night from 17th floor sexually harassing me down In the lounge by the computers and the latest rumor being that I am crazy. I have now learned to just ignore things that people say about me seems they have nothing better to do in life than pick on others. I moved In here 9 months ago March this year and have learned now to not let what people say affect me like It once did they can all kiss my behind.
So today was my last day of work for yet another four days  so I have decided during my time off I will be setting new goals for myself, making many changes revamping my diet and cleaning out all my  cupboards and later today when I wake up from a good sleep/rest I will be going to visit Denise and Maria who used to live on the 16th floor here In the building, so unfortunate that Denise moved out November 1st but she’s happier where she lives now and no longer has to worry about her suite being so hot to the point where she was getting so sick…and In the next couple of days I will also have a ton of phone calls to make back home to my friends..and  will also be doing my Psychology/Social work homework that I have put off for a while…It is now time to get down to business enough of this pussy footing around ( the people who know me well know that I procrastinate and stubborn as hell like someone else I know.
It Is getting really late and seriously my mind is fast turning to mush so upon closing my dear friends I wish you all a good Thursday take care of yourselves and each other and be good to you.
Sleep with angels

Getting back to normal

Hello to one and all:
Well as the year 2009 ends and 2010 Is just around the corner I have made some New Years resolutions lets hope for once I am able to keep some of them.
I am going to try to make some real changes In my life and look at things much differently than I am used to but you know as they say old habits die-hard and they really do… I have decided that I am going to do something nice for someone everyday or at least try to even If It means giving someone a smile god only knows It might even make their day, I know when I was down and out If someone smiled at me you would have thought they had given me the moon anyway the way I figure New Years Eve I will more than likely be at home hanging out reading or on the phone long distance talking with all my friends from back home I really miss ya all not to mention my friends back here at 101 (you know who you are).
So I had a good day today I feel like I am getting back to my regular self once again after the holidays thank god, as I have been really out of sorts for the past month or so with Christmas and all not to mention Dons birthday (my son) I had been on an emotional rollercoaster having to deal with all that on my own and It was hell anyway my Issues are nothing compared to someone else I know and no I am not minimizing my own Issues here I will never do that again.
I continue to say prayers for him (you know who you are) and a few of my other friends here In the building as well as back home.
So as usual I went to work today and yes they put me on grapes once again for the second month straight that’s okay though, so as I am freezing my ragged ass up here In Winterpeg I have to wonder why on gods green earth when Its warm and sunny In California what on earth am I doing here…  sometimes I have to wonder what ever brought me here to Winterpeg In the first place god In heaven I must be out of my mind anyways If I am on the grapes survey any longer I am going to start dreaming of grapes but Its work so I’m not complaining In fact I wish now I could work 14 days straight till I’m ragged so I have a good excuse to not be In this building let me tell you sometimes its enough to drive anyone Insane.
So my dear friends I am going to call It a night and go get some rest since I did not sleep last night until like 5:15AM lets hope I don’t toss and turn like I did last night so to all sleep well and have a good awesome Wednesday take care of yourselves and don’t forget to be good to you.
Stay tuned more to follow

Another day at the office and an update on life

Hello to one and all:
Im really not even to sure If anyone reads my blogs or not It really does not matter but for those of you that have a genuine Interest In how Im doing this is the place where you will find any updates….today I have been thinking way too much and must admit that I really feel like a sack of shit for writing what I did In my blog yesterday wow did I ever vent…. here on my blog Is where I feel safe to vent without anyone really judging me and really did not have any Intentions with what I wrote yesterday to hurt anyone honestly thats the last thing I ever wanted to do to you especially considering your current state but really quite honestly that Is how I am really feeling especially so these days with a particular Individual ( you know who you are) and although you may think that I am mad at you I am not and after what happened to my mother years ago with my father having passed away I will never go to bed angry at anyone EVER…. If anything those of you that have known me for many many years you know that I have nothing but love In my heart for everyone that is something that will never change about me although I can be a real bitch at best when It comes down to It If someone who despised me ever needed any help I would be there in a heartbeat for them now that is the kind of person Elaine Is although I do have my boundaries and openly admit I still do struggle with them I feel better now after getting all that off of my chest and not sure if that person will read what I have written but If you are then you know how Im feeling and have for a long long time.
Anyway on to other things now my Christmas was actually very relaxing and much better than I had ever expected It to be I was not sad but rather, was happy to spend It alone my day with god spent meditating very peaceful and quiet on my floor too surprisingly considering the wonderful neighbors I have I cant wait for new years when all the parties start on 12  again sarcasm….It was also good to finally go back to work yet again and get out of this place even If It Is for just a few hours a day the change of scenery makes a big difference thats for sure….so Im coming home tonight walk In the front door and as usual I check In the lounge to see who is there low and behold the same ladies that I see everynight walk on over to say hello only to hear the latest rumor going around.. me and Allan who happens to be a friend and only a friend who we occassionally have tea together at my place sometimes before I head out to work well turns out that someone says apparently "Im pregnant" Im thinking really is that so can we like just say Imaculate conception hmmmm how Interesting considering I am unable to get pregnant In the first place seeing as I had my tubes tied oh back when I was like 21 and have not had sex In over 6-7 years although I have to admit that I do long for It more than anyone could ever know but when It really comes down to It Im not sure I would be capable of being Intimate with anyone at this point In my life and unable to see that changing anytime In the future I already struggle sometimes with the trust Issue and for the people that have seen me go through the betrayals, abuse, backstabbing and shit for many many years you understand why I struggle with such an Issue not to mention the homeless Issue It just amazes me how one person could change anothers life with one decision of course only thinking of themself If only they knew how the other persons life was affected.
Upon closing my friends Its getting late so to all a good night take care and have a great Tuesday and I will try to as well.
More to follow Tuesday so stay tuned

Rejection and the brush off

Hello to one and all:

Well once again I have decided to write In my blog as a few things have been really weighing heavily on my mind as of late…I began to write this entry over a week ago and have now just finished…as the title states this is In fact how I am feeling you know, It seems to me that the nicer a person Is the more shit they get in return and for all of you that know me quite well and have known me for years you know that I would give people the shirt off of my back but not only that knowing the kind hearted person that I am I think about everyone especially those people that I know, like and care about (you know who you are) but I refuse to ever put up with any type of abuse ever again from anyone and being made to feel like I am a worthless piece of shit and having a door shut In my face everytime with endless excuses and being told "Im busy" everytime, after all I have ever done and this is what I get…. well not anymore Iv had enough already It seems like I am never given the time of day, no return phone calls not to mention the fact that there was an Invitation for dinner 2 times and not once did I ever get a phone call declining my offer, I was once also told that I was "stupid" which I did end up getting an apology for but the fact Is It was still said and looking back from when we first met I have to question If this person ever had any Intentions of getting to know me betterI do realize that when we go through a stressful time and your health comes Into question It causes us to become an emotional basketcase and our emotions get the better of us sometimes believe me I know all to well but thats no excuse for being nasty and getting the brush off not to mention the silent treatment that has been going on for I dont know how many months now and have to tell you that Its wearing thin with me and feeling like I am reliving what the hell I just left Its like Im going back Into regression mode all over again so perhaps It is best If I no longer knock on the door to see how he Is doing, make no more phone calls and perhaps I should also cease any further emails and although It hurts me to take such drastic measures like this I can no longer handle this rejection, the brush off/cold shoulder and feeling like they are repulsed by my presence Iv been there and done that already on more than one occassion I empathize I know what you are going through I really do as my mother went through something similiar the emotions, the stress, perhaps even rashes from all the stress you are having to deal with throw In a bit of grieving, hard time sleeping, and pain and the list goes on all I ever wanted was to be a friend, maybe spend a bit of time together get to know one another better which I have realized that will never happen this person Is very sick I only wish that there was something that I could do but It seems that everytime I try and reach out I get rejected In more ways than one and have been constantly hurt over and over again I have now had enough of It and until people start calling me now I will no longer be calling them I have tried to overlook many things and have but now I am finished enough Is enough already.


One of those days

It has been so long since I wrote In my blog I guess now would be as good a time as ever to do an entry…today or rather over the last few days I have been thinking of many things and have been doing much reflecting and have been really on edge lately not been myself and seem to be keeping to myself these days and have just realized that Dec 10th Is my sons birthday he will be 26 this year and have not seen him since he was the age of 2 so December is obviously not a good month for me I sit and ponder and think way too much sometimes to the point where depression could potentially set In this would not be a good thing all I can say Is glad Its back to work tomorrow.
Anyway, the other day I decided to go for a nice long walk before all this snow set In ended up at the St Vital mall I felt quite revitalized after having walked all the way back to where I live but not before stopping off at the St Vital library where I had picked up a couple of books Interesting reads I have to say the one I am now reading Is on body language I have really come to realize that man do I ever give off some really negative body language… this book has really enlightened me on quite a number of things and to those of you reading this entry If I have seen you lately you know what Im talking about…It has touched on many things that I do on a constant basis but never realized what an Impact that It has on others and how I project myself.. I have the feeling that I have already lost one friend because of this I have been what others may consider rude and disrespectful which makes me really sad because that is not who I am In fact anything but,  I have also noticed that I am going through many changes on a personal level and looking back and reflecting on things that have happened since my last entry It seems that In my own opinion I have become distant even with my friends where I live It seems that I can not hold a conversation for too long sometimes Its like I clam up.
I have been so emotionally drained today I think Its time for me to get some sleep or rest atleast I will write more tomorrow so to all a goodnight and have a great Friday.

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