More wonderful childhood memories

I have thought about my mom and dad a lot lately miss them very much and wish they were still here sometimes but I have to remember that they are In a better place now and It would be selfish of me to want them back on earth.

 

I had some really nice thoughts of my parents recently and good memories about my childhood. One thing that I remember is every summer we would go to Kelowna BC and stay for couple weeks, dad and I would play In the swimming pool and mom would be outside tanning and relaxing we all had a great time and was sad when we had to head back home to Calgary.

 

Another memory of my childhood was on the occasional weekend we would go to Dairy Queen for ice cream as well as go for our Sunday drives I remember when we went to Dairy Queeen sometimes I would get a mister misty anyone remember those? they were more like the slurpees and always liked the blue color.

 

For the most part we led a pretty quiet life I was always so happy,  my parents brought me up very well not only to listen to others, but be respectful and to not start fights as well as to treat all others equal and respect your elders which I still do to this very day,  I also think that either It was every Sunday or every other Sunday that we would all take our bikes out of the garage we had and go bike riding up and down Palliser drive In Oakridge In Calgary for the afternoon not only did we get exercise but it was also a great family outing we all enjoyed ourselves.

 

Living In Oakridge was one of the best places that I remember living,  I think back then that was when I was the happiest I was always so active was almost never home except for when I was told when It was getting dark I had to head home, It was then, back In Oakridge that I met my good friend Shawna she lived on Oakmoor Drive and we lived on Oakhill Drive used to go to her place all the time and when they decided to go camping I always asked mom and dad If I could go and of course my parents always said yes It was so exciting to go out-of-town to a campground In Canmore it was one hour away from Calgary, it was really nice to have the late nights. I remember my parents always giving a cheque to Gwen who was Shawna’s mom twenty dollars just for food and what ever else she needed my parents were always so kind to others.

 

There were  many times  Shawna and I did things together one really stands out this is about Shawna’s mom, she had such a great heart, every year when It was my birthday that woman made me a birthday cake I swear that was the size of china,  of course I really didn’t mind it was always appreciated and was always a good excuse to have Shawna over all the time to help eat the cake and spend time with my family.

 

After Shawna would leave I would always call up Gwen and thank her for the wonderful cake that she had made for my birthday, I have many other good memories of my childhood however they are just not coming to me at the moment but,  I’m sure I will remember them at a later date.

The story of the toothfairy

Hello everyone:

 

I was just on my way down on the elevator when I had some past childhood memories come to my mind I do treasure them dearly.

It was when I was very young and had to be no more than eight years old and lost a tooth I was so sad I remembered that we had done laundry and cleaning the house,  I was In my bedroom and changed my sheets on my bed which Is something that we did every week, once my room was done my father and I had gone to change the bed sheets in my parents bedroom all the while my mother was cleaning I think It was the bathroom at the time.

Since I had just lost a tooth I had put It under my pillow hoping that the tooth fairy would come and sure enough I had thought I heard the tooth fairy I asked dad If he heard It to he said he heard the same thing I was so excited and rushed back to my bedroom underneath my pillow was twenty-five cents.

Interesting couple of weeks ahead

Well today is another day,I never went to bed last night because I was so upset with what had transpired earlier last night with my friend Colin,  I am feeling confused, overwhelmed and wondering what I’m supposed to be doing about this move  now it seems my life is literally hanging in the balance.

Sometimes I wonder if I should not just be alone with the kids no hassles no headaches and due to the fact that in the past I have had nothing but people interfere in my life perhaps I might be better off living alone.

I have packed most of my boxes in the apartment  and not much else really to do except go through all of my papers.

In the last week I have pulled off several all nighters and think at this point it is catching up with me because all I want to do is sleep,  not only that I think because of everything going on in my life now I also want to sleep even more depression has really got the better of me as of late and  would like to have the day over.

So, I heard from my movers today through e-mail and they have set a date for me July 18th  have tried to call Colin and he was out and has yet to call me back I tried calling two times today.

I am very tired and think I will call it a night enough blogging for one day.

Packing day

Hello everyone:

Well, today has been full of surprises,  my friend Claudette who is 73 and has been a close friend of mine for years now took me out to dinner for chinese food what a wonderful environment to be in it was so relaxing and don’t feel any heaviness like we both do where we both live.

Claudette has also helped me do some of my packing but most of the time I just tell her to sit down just having her keep me company is enough, I have boxes all over my small 275 foot apartment my cats are wondering what on earth is going on and seriously overwhelmed with everything.

I spoke with Colin, another friend of mine this evening and have to say I’m not in the least bit impressed at the moment he is a smoker and keeps coughing in my ear when we are on the phone knowing full well it gives me a headache, I have asked him I don’t know how many times to stop but no it still continues and getting to the point of shouting at him now because it doesn’t seem like he listens to me I’m sick and tired of it already I have a migraine headache now.

Today when I had gone across the street to Shoppers for boxes I had come back home with boxes in the cart as I was struggling to keep them in my cart some people outside the building where I live were looking at me and not one person asked me if I needed help but yet again they have no problem asking me why I need boxes I have to tell you I’m ready to tell them all off I’m so sick and tired of this place.

Assertiveness: Myth’s versus Reality?

Assertiveness myths and reality

Society as a whole seems to think that a woman being assertive means they are being a “bitch” the myths that I am adding are among some that I believed for many years and considering myself to be a people pleaser I believed all of these from the time I entered my first relationship up until the time I left Alpha House:

Myth Assertive women are pushy women…..this Is why over time I was not assertive anymore thought I was being pushy.

The reality Is  Assertive women have defined their needs and boundaries and can communicate them, showing respect to others.

Myth If you say no to a request you are being selfish……this Is why I have found It hard to say no throughout the course of my relationships and being a people pleaser.

The reality is Saying no to a request Is simply setting a boundary, saying no can be done with thoughtfulness and consideration.

Myth To be polite you have to be non assertive….I thought this for so many years

The truth Is  Politeness is courteousness. Being non assertive so I found out would be the Inability to communicate ones own needs and boundaries.

Myth  Being assertive also means conflict and I really hate conflict…I believed this from the time I left home through my relationships and up until I left Alpha House.

The reality is  Aggressiveness stirs up conflict.. It only stirs up conflict If we are dealing with a person who Is unwilling to accept or respect our boundaries.

Myth  If we learn to use assertiveness, you might become a “bitch”… yes I did believe this one for a good many years society seems to think that way In my opinion.

The reality is If we use assertive skills they show respect for ourselves and for others and you will never be a “bitch”, However, we may be called a bitch by anyone who would be unwilling to acknowledge our legitimate needs and our boundaries… It would appear that this would be their way of avoiding their own shortcomings.

A marriage made in hell

Throughout the course of my life when living at home and up until I left home I had very high self-esteem and knew how to be assertive felt really good about myself and then there was my first serious relationship ( I shall call him Stephen).

 

I had been dating him for about 2-3 years he was treating me well for example flowers, candy, being affectionate, dinners, movies you name It he would do anything for me to make me happy up until I got married then so many things changed.

 

Stephen became very abusive and  began to disrespect me In so many different ways,  It began in a suttle nature with Insults, punching walls, making comments about other women saying “wow” she’s hot! or words to that effect and making me feel Inferior and not In the least bit Important.

 

The there was the sex when It came to sex not only was I starting to feel like a sex object but my self-esteem took a real beating.  Stephen became very overbearing, controlling, abused me not only of a physical nature but sexually and emotionally,  he made me give him oral sex and cumming In my mouth which I found really disgusting and gagged every time he didn’t care he also forced me to have anal sex which really made me very uncomfortable not only that It was also very painful and needless to say I was glad when it was all over.

 

I told him that I would not do It again and told him my reasons but that did not seem to matter to him and now that I was married I felt locked into this marriage and did not think that I could get divorced It was much more difficult back then to a divorce unless you were literally being threatened with your life,  so I lived a life of this for just under 2 years my self-esteem and assertiveness went right down the toilet and emotionally I started to become a basket case feeling so Isolated, unwanted, unloved, used, you name It I felt It.

 

I also had in-laws that for some reason just could not stand me and had to interfere with everything in our life which made things even more difficult to the point where I told Steve we were moving to the west coast having tried so very hard to have them accept me but in the end I would not conform to what they wanted so they never accepted me .

 

 I had no one to talk to feeling so alone not knowing what to do I could not tell my parents as my mom just had a reoccurrence of cancer and dad having had a double bypass I was not about to tell my parents just could not bring myself to put my parents through that and at that time I had no Idea that there were shelters available.

 

 The abuse with Stephen It started with Insults as a joke, being out for dinner and him looking at other women while he was with me eating dinner at the table and making It obvious which I find very disrespectful and actually remember another time when one night he took me to a fancy restaurant we were walking down 5th avenue In Calgary on a saturday night believe It was the Westin Hotel we were going to have dinner,  when a hooker approached him right In front of me and propositioned him not only was I pissed off but was ready to pound her to the pavement.

 

My rights as a person and mistaken traditional assumptions

Hello everyone:

 

I have decided that today I will talk about having rights as a person versus mistaken traditional assumptions, all to often we assume things and being a part of society have heard many mistaken traditional assumptions only to find out that It Is not necessarily true here are a few of them:

 

• Mistaken traditional assumption It is selfish to put our needs first before others needs.
• My rights I have the right to put myself first..this Is something that I have just started doing over the last few months as I am so used to not even thinking about myself.
• Mistaken traditional assumption It’s shameful to make mistakes we need to have an appropiate response for every occasion.
• My rights Well considering we do not live In a perfect world we all have the right to make mistakes as no one is perfect.
• Mistaken traditional assumption If we can not convince others that our feelings are reasonable then our feelings must be wrong.
• My rights I have the right to be the judge of my feelings and feel that they are legitimate,  all through my life and my relationships my feelings have been minimized It seemed that unless I felt the same way as others did I was led to believe that I am over exagerating and that It was never a big deal and told to just “get over It”.
• Mistaken traditional assumption We should respect views of others especially so If they are In a position of authority we should keep opinions to ourselves
• My rights Oh boy this one is huge for me, due to past experiences the way It was even without people that were In a position of authority I would not disagree with others of course within reason simply because I did not want people to make my life harder than It already was and It was also an acceptance thing so I have realized now that I do have a right to have my own opinions and convictions no matter what anyone says although It does not mean that others have to agree.
• Mistaken traditional assumption We should always be logical and consistent.
• My rights Although I am logical most of the time when I get very upset and angry my sense of logic goes right out the window and try to be consistent most of the time as well.
• Mistaken traditional assumption We should be flexible and adjust. Others  have good reasons for their actions and not polite to question them.
• My rights I do have the right to protest what I do not like, treatment, critisism and the like anything that does not feel good to me regardless of what others think.
• Mistaken traditional assumption We should not ask questions as It reveals stupidity to others.
• My rights I do have the right as well as anyone else to ask for clarification If I do not understand something this does not mean that I am stupid which I thought for so many years and now I really dont care what others think of me to my way of understanding now If a person asks questions It means that the person has an Interest In the subject.
• Mistaken tradional assumption Things could get even worse so dont rock the boat.
• My rights For many years I believed this thats why I became a people pleaser but have now come to realize over time that I do have the right to negotiate for change even If I do rock the boat I have since realized that although people might not like what I have to say I do have the right to freedom of speech It Is part of our charter of rights and freedoms.
• Mistaken traditonal assumption We should not take up others valuable time with our problems.
• My rights We all have the right to ask for help or emotional support all throughout my life I have been told not to bother them with my Issues and problems and really getting sick and tired of people telling me to just “get over It” In my opinion If someone comes to you and pours their heart out to you they want/need to have a listening ear In my case all I ever really wanted was someone to listen to me and give me some kind of emotional support or even a hug could have made all the difference to me and after reading my life story you will know why.
• Mistaken traditonal assumption Other people do not want to hear that you feel bad, so keep It to yourself.
• My rights I do have the right to feel and express all of my pain, most of the reason why I write In my blog is so that I can express all of that because other people In my past that I have tried to reach out to have not wanted to hear how I have felt and am not a stranger to the fact that others have minimized the ways that I have felt.
• Mistaken traditional assumption Knowing that you did something well is Its own reward people dont like showoffs. Successful people are secretly disliked and envied. Be modest when complimented.
• My rights I do have the right to recieve recogntion for all my hard work and achievements thats one thing I like to have is recognition for a job well done I welcome that anytime recogntion for me Is very Important more than likely because I have been so used to put downs since I left home from people In my relationships, and Inlaws.
• Mistaken traditional assumption We should always try to accomodate others. If we dont they wont be there when we need them.
• My rights I have the right to say “no” I struggled with this up until I left Alpha House being the people pleaser that I once was, all I ever did was accomodate others and get treated like shit and betrayed In return well Im pleased to say not no more.
• Mistaken traditional assumption Dont be anti-social with people as they will think that you dont like them If you say that you would rather be alone Instead of with them.
• My rights I have the right to be alone even If others would prefer my company, for the longest time I had thought the mistaken traditional assumption and actually cared what others thought of me and was sociable even though I did not want to be and now If I want my space I say so and dont care what others think because my real friends will understand and accept It.
• Mistaken traditional assumption You should always have a good reason for what you feel and do.
• My rights We all have a right to not to have to justify ourselves to other people, I have struggled with this for many many years, I finally after later In life to find out that I justified myself to others as a  way of people trying to accept me needless to say It didnt work and bit me In the ass years later so now I no longer justify myself or my actions to others eithier they like me or they dont.
• Mistaken traditonal assumption When someone is In trouble we should always help them.
• My rights I have the right not to take on someone elses responsibilty for somone elses problem well this one was tough for me because what I do Is just automatically help others no matter what however since I have slowed down In life I have my own problems to worry about and about the best that I can do for others now is to give some good wise advice from my own lifes experiences shoud I have any for them and It will be their choice If they take It or not.
• Mistaken traditional assumption Its not nice to put people off , If questioned, give an answer.
• My rights We all have the right to choose not to respond to a given situation….many years ago I used to worry constantly about doing such a thing always thought that I had to answer If questioned about something should not put people off and now I have realized no matter what a person does, thinks or speaks It is the other persons choice on how they respond.

A brand new start

Hello everyone:

Well, today I am filled with peace and very calm my blood pressure has not risen at all.

 I am so looking forward to whats in store for me in the next couple of weeks and although the moving will be stressful enough It will be a welcome change to be in a bigger city that has nothing but friendly people not to mention there are a ton of jobs out there in Calgary that I can apply for as well as feel safer on the streets walking.

Colin, my friend has done so much for me been a listening ear, giving me so much emotional support,  saw me through being homeless out on the west coast and now he’s going to welcome me into his home so that I can get healthy as I am not very healthy now due to the issues in housing like black mold that I must,  at the moment deal with.

Colin, my friend I have to tell you that he has done more for me than most people I know and helped me out of so many tight binds. I will be moving in with him for a while until I get myself set up with a good job and have some financial stability behind me.

I’m looking forward to moving out of here although the issue of packing  is really very stressful especially having to go through so many papers and sorting stuff out , however,  the good news is that I’m over half way done thank god I cant wait to get this move over with and out of this province for good.

Good-Bye Winnipeg Manitoba

Peyton Place

Please note this blog was written September 23, 2011

Do you remember Peyton Place I think it was the soap opera that was on many years ago back in the day?

It never seems to end when it comes to my current living arrangement the never-ending saga just continues,  why is it that others seem to make up rumors while others just continue along and mind their own business could it be that they just have too much time on their hands?

It would appear that lately I have been the one on the chopping board yet again, I have to tell you its enough to drive you to drink.

First of all today I woke up feeling like I had been run over by a dump truck, and more or less reflecting back on yesterdays events which had transpired between myself and another lady here in the building whom I thought was a good friend of mine only to be slapped in the face although not literally.

The short version is there would appear to be rumors going on in the building about me being a troublemaker and people are gullible and believe it furthermore the adults living in this building act like children playing head games and who can be friends with who like seriously this is just beyond ridiculous.

Due to the fact of being backstabbed on more than one occassion I no longer associate with anyone in this building,  I’ve been backstabbed more times than I care to mention needless to say all this psychological abuse is stressing me out and slowly killing me.

 I feel very isolated, socially inept, and most of all I have ongoing depression which seems to be worsening the longer that I stay in this building lets just hope that things will get better here with time.

What a great day

Hello everyone:

Well, today I must say has been full of surprises as mentioned in my previous blogs I have just finished pulling off three all nighters in a row needless to say I’m quite tired so went to bed relatively early last night being Friday and slept in until 1230PM Saturday,  I had to be at work by 1PM and as it ended up I was late not impressed with myself to say the least.

I had problems signing in to my EZlabour which Is our timesheet sort of speak and by the time I got to dialing on the phone well it was 1:40pm what a way to start off the day and it only got worse from there, I was not feeling very well to start with aches and pains literally I found it so very hard to even get up from my chair and move around, got called into the field managers office and had been written up got  in trouble for getting up and getting a more comfortable chair to sit in funny how I never had a problem doing that before no one ever said anything to me in the last year was told to go home early ask me If I was happy.

Got home and Allan who used to be a friend of mine and no longer is after today approached me to ask me for $0.80 cents not that it is a problem however when you add up all the change I have given him over the last few years It certainly adds up and not once did I ask for it back nor has ever offered to pay it back to me I had warned him about asking me for money he is an alcoholic and I’m sick and tired of enabling him and supporting his habit and finally today was the last straw I shut him down for good.

On a happy note though when I got home from work I met up with Claudette who is a very good friend of mine we are very close went over to the Norwood Hotel across the street I had french onion soup and Claudette had a cup of coffee as she had already ate her dinner we had a good visit when we arrived back in the apartment block that’s when shit hit the fan with me and Allan from then on I was so upset I felt my blood pressure rise with a headache and pain in my collar-bone not a good situation and have calmed down after a few hours of venting at Colin my friend for twenty-five years I tell you some days I don’t know what I would do without him.