Frustration hits record high for me today


Why is it that women in shelter leave from abuse and people on the outside thinking that we either ask for the abuse and expected to say I’m sorry and when we leave get treated like we are third class citizens.  I am very frustrated today and really dislike some people I can assure you that this will be the last time that I live with anyone ever again. This whole issue has consumed me for I do not know how long and I will be lucky if I don’t lose my job over this whole fiasco.

My blood pressure is up and unable to get an escort without waiting for 6, 8 possibly even 12 hours just to get my clothes I feel sick, emotionally drained and feel like there is no end to this nightmare I am currently living thank god I have my portable DVD player and my $300 camera with me and the kids are in a safe and healthy environment (my cats) Keenie and Weston at this point that’s all I really care about.

I am going to have to go back to the apartment at some point to pick up my things more specifically my clothes and furniture for storage just the thought of going back literally makes me feel quite nauseated and my stomach has been upset all day long.

I am too tired to write anymore today perhaps again tomorrow

Just the basics in life


When I was well enough I had entered in to the Victor Mager job re-entry program as mentioned before, we were given another assignment to do this was self-actualization needs which I would like to share with you here there were questions that I am going to highlight here that we had to answer and the ones not highlighted are my answers past and present.

My physical needs

Do you have enough to drink and eat

Back in 2008 when I was homeless I was beside myself not knowing where my next meal was coming from, luckily enough I was able to find many good resources. I had eaten in the same soup kitchen everyday having dinner for close to a month we had dinner at four pm and the people who I dined with at the table surprised me. Most of them either had a stroke of bad luck, gambled their money away even their house without their spouse or family knowing! and even people who had master degrees some of these people were actually quite smart and how they ended up homeless only god knows.Some other people had a mental Illness which is understandable and turning to drugs and alcohol as this is their only way of coping and because I have been homeless I understand why some, if not most have turned to that very thing. I am proud to say that it is something I have never done and don’t have any plans on doing so either.

Have you got adequate shelter? Are you comfortable enough in that environment?

Again in 2008 when I was homeless I saw many things that were a shock to my system literally I saw another side of life called homelessness. When I saw this for the first time I literally sat there and cried I wanted to end it all right then and there I was almost  ready to put myself in the psychiatric ward. I was able to have some help with a cheap motel room but still had no fixed address it was adequate and better than nothing I was grateful but was always concerned about what I was going to do the following month.

Do you have enough clothing

When I got to the west coast being Victoria BC where I became homeless all I came with was the clothes on my back with two totes in tow along with my sanity, at that point I wondered if I would ever get myself back on my feet again.

How many hours do you sleep at night on average?

Well, now I can honestly say that I am getting lots of rest and sleep however, because I am now sleeping almost ten hours per day I have to wonder if the sleep that I was lacking when I was homeless has finally caught up to me with sleeping so much. I was in my early forties when I became homeless my body has gone through many changes since that time and now I am not so sure if I were homeless again I could deal with it anymore, honestly at this point if that were to ever happen to me again I would more than likely put myself in the psychiatric ward and give myself a mental break from all the stress.

Do you engage in physical activity and what type?

When I was much younger I was always physically active roller skating, biking, swimming my friends could never find me reflecting back now those were some of the best years of my life. After I got married I no longer did any of the things that I had wanted to do always thinking the perfect housewife, anything I wanted to do was always put on the back burner. It has been almost thirty years, been divorced for twenty-seven of them, as much as I try to get into physical activity these days I just lack the motivation.

My safety and security needs

Do you have any concerns about your safety at home or at work within your environment and community?

I feel pretty safe where I am now in shelter  my two kids being the cats Keenie and Weston they give me unconditional love and bring much joy to my life, Colin, unfortunately at this point sadly I have to say from my point of view there is no hope for him as far as I am concerned he is on a suicide mission smoking himself to death and doing nothing about his current weight not to mention living in a very unhealthy environment which for me thank god I am now out of  and no longer have the burden of cleaning up the apartment, My Avon business has suffered now because of it and unfortunately have now lost most, if not all my clients.

As for safety issue at work the environment I work in is fine however, when I get off after eight pm a woman walking alone two blocks to the nearest bus stop in an industrial area no-one around and no- one other than truckers driving down the road I think this speaks for itself not to safe if you ask me.

Do you live in fear from harm and crime?

I feel pretty safe in shelter in this quiet residential neighborhood, the only time when I am in fear from harm and crime is when I must leave work by myself  and walk two blocks to the nearest bus stop.

My love and belonging needs

Do you feel adequately loved and wanted?

When I was living at home with my parents I felt very loved and very wanted I could not have asked for better parents my mother was especially protective of me I never really knew why until my mother and I started to get together on Sundays after my father passed away that was our day together and them my mom told me the story about my brother who would have been fifty-two my mother had a miscarriage long story but I will tell you about that at a later date my father Don loved me just as much.

Do I have enough people in my circle that I love?

Well, yes actually and although I have no family left to speak of, dont care for intimate relationships with the opposite sex anymore I’m only looking for companionship where I am able to share most things with  just a friendship and nothing more than that, Claudette my friend in Manitoba she will be 74 next year and Alan will be 64 in October next year also living in Manitoba and Rose  as well I call her my big sis I miss her so much and  I have learned many things from Rose, Claudette and Alan guidance which I can never thank them enough for.

Day two in shelter


Last night after I finished writing in my blog  I took my sleeping pills normally I would be in bed asleep at a decent hour however, last night was not the case  in bed at 9AM this morning and up by 12:30PM. I have been much less stressed out  today than I have in the last five months I was finally able to go out and do what I have wanted to do for months hopped on the west LRT and saw what the fuss was all about took it all the way to 69th street station then I went the opposite direction and went all the way to saddlewood just to pass the time and reflecting what has transpired over the last few months living with Colin.

I have come to realize many things, having lived with Colin these past few months has been exceptionally hard on me as well as my children and because of Colin’s very poor health and unhealthy living conditions by no fault of my own I refuse to blame myself for no longer being there to help him god only knows I really have tried to help him but like the saying goes”you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink” unfortunately for him he has pushed me away so far that I no longer want to be a part of his life anymore unless he straightens up his act which at this point is not in the least bit likely not to mention he probably will not see his next bithday to turn fifty. Sadly and after thinking about this decision bottom line is I am going to do what is best for me and my children now (the cats Keenie and Weston).

I recently told Colin that maybe the reason why people do not want to be around and the fact that he has no friends is because of his attitude and the way he treats others well his response was “I don’t give a sh**” he was very angry with me when I mentioned this which leads me to believe he has some major underlying issues that I am unaware of and seems to me he will not let go of the past now don’t get me wrong I am in no way saying “get over it” but, what I am saying is let it go I explained to him in order to do this you need to be able to let go of ill feelings and to be able to forgive people that have done you wrong I showed him ways in order to do this but, as usual suggestions are ignored and although the fact of letting go is no easy task I will admit he also had the support of friends at one time and at this point  I have pretty much given up helping and his friends no longer want to be around him anymore I mean let’s face it you can only bang your head against a wall so many times.

Anyway onto other stuff, now that I have had my mini vent session here, as mentioned previously I did not get up until 12:30PM due to the fact that I did not get to sleep till 9AM I made some calls today regarding rental units hopefully to book an appointment sometime on Saturday let’ s pray I find a place soon, I feel more at peace now knowing that I have made the right decision to leave I have found peace and quiet here at the shelter and relaxed knowing that my kids are having a nice vacation speaking of kids I think you might find this quite amusing most people think I am out of my mind but that’s okay you have heard of childrens strollers right? Well I have one better how about a pet stroller and yes your eyes are not deciveing what you are reading yes I have my very own pet stroller for the kids cost me $250 but well worth it I thought.

The temperature in Calgary today was minus four I have to tell you what a blessing and welcome change from the cold and no aches and pains like yesterday. I spoke with a couple ladies here in shelter we were exchanging stories and let me tell you some of the ones I have heard are almost mind boggling one girl was telling me that her own mother was abusing her and gave her a black eye  and the other lady I met last night in the kitchen she was telling me her husband had raped their two year old daughter repeatedly I will not go into  more detail. I ask myself why is it that the women are left to fend for themselves and their children and men getting off with a slap on the wrist personally it makes me sick.

Anyway everyone I’m getting really tired so I am going to call it a night

Sleep with angels everyone

In a women’s shelter again!


I never thought I would see the day when I end up in a women’s shelter again but, here I am again on the receiving end. The room-mate who was a good friend of mine for twenty-six years well at this point there is no friendship I think to salvage any longer.

Unfortunately I have had to resort to being separated from my little boys (my cats) Keenie and Weston for a few weeks until I leave shelter, I had to call work today and cancel my shift and it looks like I will have to again tomorrow and one only knows what the future is going to hold for me now.

To tell you the story about what transpired over the Christmas holidays and even over the last few months I have asked Colin repeatedly to clean up after himself, not leave chicken bones on the floor and be careful with his pills yet again have ended up on the kitchen floor, I have also tried to help him with the grief of his mother he will not take any responsibility for his actions instead I find myself on the receiving end of the blame when I have not done anything and only tried to help him there is much more but why go on I’m sure you get the point that I’m trying to make here.

Christmas Eve I have no idea what triggered off  his anger at me but he turned around and yelled, screamed and was shouting at me not to mention threatened to kick me out of the house and up until yesterday when I had a police escort and Carolyn and Derek showed up to help me get the cats out of the apartment only when they showed up did all of this end and of course I had to look like the bad person and Colin in the good books typical abusive scenario.

My babies the kids Keenie and Weston are now in a pet resort on a vacation I love my kids so very much and miss them terribly but at least I know they are in a safe place now and me being in shelter at least there will be no more emotional/psychological abuse to deal with.

 

Very upset


Hello everyone:

I have not been online writing for a while and today, I think will be more of a venting session than anything else. As the title says I am very upset tonight beyond words, I am so stressed out I come home from work and seems to me that most of the time I have to clean up after my room-mate and now well seriously I am at my wit’s end I have finally had enough, I come home to a dirty kitchen, dirty toilet that I constantly have to use wipes for, sometimes there is urine on the floor, does not follow through with many things and now that Christmas is around the corner I have asked Colin to take me shopping so that we can get some groceries in the house and this has not been done yet  and today is the 23rd of December and feeling like I  am a maid more than anything else  and sick to death of it , I have given up even talking to Colin about anything anymore due to being so defensive.

When Colin had gone into the hospital the man was near death because of his breathing, smoking, weight issue everything  and although Colin has cut down on his smoking substantially, his breathing I have noticed lately that he is having problems breathing again. I have also had many conversations with Colin about getting some help cleaning in this apartment and to this date nothing he has done nothing about it, I also spoke of his health issues and explained to him that if you want to get sick again and make unhealthy choices by not quitting smoking I will make it my mission to leave this apartment and not watch him die a slow death.He may not change his choices but, I can change what I do so,  I have plans to move when the opportunity presents itself.

I have to tell you honestly I am not sure what is going to happen to this friendship once I leave here,  this friendship I think is slowly fading and find myself starting to keep my distance more than I used to, I have told Colin this on more than one occasion and nothing ever seems to change.

 


Oh it must be so nice to have a cats life my cats lay in many different positions when sleeping but not like this.

Purdey’s Christmas wish…


Awww, this is just adorable, I also have a cat named Keenie who I consider to be one of my children looks just like your child here

Reflections and facts about me


How things can change from one day to the next like goals, career path, living arrangements and moving to a different city, on this post I reflect on my past my plans.

Past In the past the most important goal in my life was to finish the Victor Mager job-re-entry program in Winnipeg and go into my chosen field which was Psychology/Social Work.

Now I am looking forward to a brighter future living back in my hometown of Calgary with a better paying job surrounded by good friends, my children Keenie and Weston and hopefully to look forward to living back on my own.

Past One of the major obstacles between myself and meeting my goals in Winnipeg were trying to balance  school at Victor Major, doing homework and working part-time at the same time.

Now that I’m back in Calgary I would really like to find a good paying job in fact just yesterday I had an interview for a Resident Manager live in position paying $3000.00 per month.

The one personal quality that I have that I feel accounts for my success in life to date is my determination and drive not to quit I am a very stubborn woman.

The one personal weakness that I used to have and that was holding me back from greater success years ago was self sabotage.

If I were to make a movie of my life I would call it The trials, tribulations, and success of Elaine’s life.

My definition of self fulfillment is feeling a sense of accomplishment and being happy with one’s self.

The areas of my life that I am most happy and content with is being able to have a safe, stable home environment, feel a sense of inner peace, be in my hometown, have a half decent job I have a good friend in Colin and my two children Keenie and Weston.

The changes that I can make today to improve my quality of life are many I have learned to not worry about the future that is in god’s hands, I would like to learn stress management, take more courses and what I am most passionate about is animals cats, dogs, rabbits, birds you name it so what I would really like to do is hold a fundraiser for my local SPCA in Calgary and improve their quality of life no animal deserves to be homeless, unloved and not have any food to eat they all deserve to have someone who loves them and that will take care of them.

With that being said please remember our animal friends during the Christmas season and please give to your local SPCA.

Thank you on behalf of the animals.

My Urbanspoon reviews


Here in Calgary we have places on the internet where we can review and add our comments to the establishments we dine in. Urbanspoon is where I do my reviews on the establishments I go to. If you are ever in the Calgary area and would like to know good places to eat check my reviews hope they will be of some help to you.

Cheers

http://www.urbanspoon.com/u/profile/2997173

A quote from Mother Teresa


May god bless Mother Teresa she was a wonderful person and probably a saint by now I found this quote and will try to remember what Mother Teresa says here everyday.

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