A marriage not made in heaven


Well, todays topic Is about my marriage made In hell to Steve, yes that was his real name. Today all of a sudden some memories of my marriage came to me that I am remembering, please keep in mind I have to do this in segments because I am not able to remember everything all at once, first I remember having a girlfriend by the name of Debbie she had an english accent and said she knew this nice guy named Steve that she had previously met In school so, me being all naïve and young agreed to meet Debbie, her current boyfriend, and Steve away from school one evening we all hung out and went to a movie for the evening with dinner afterwards.
Steve and I hit it off right away and ended up dating anyway, eventually I had become pregnant and was not married Steve was working at the time and when I had found out that I was pregnant I called Steve and told him I had to meet up with him right away because there was something very Important I had to talk to him about we had arranged to meet at the bowling alley that was on Fairview Drive and believe that same bowling alley Is still there to this day.  I remember crying on his shoulder not knowing what to do and wanting some emotional support so desperately.
I had told Steve that I was pregnant the first words out of his mouth were “let’s get an abortion” I have to tell you I was so devastated, stressed to the max, and angry how dare he ask me to get an abortion I thought, I was beside myself and being from a catholic background we do not believe in sex before marriage so this was a real big issue and I’m thinking how are my parents going to react to this news how in god’s name was I going to deal with all this on my plate being pregnant five weeks and only the two of us knowing I had no one to turn to and at that point In my life I wanted to just end It all.
Throughout the course of my life when living at home and up until I left home, I was very happy with the way things were going on in my life had very high self-esteem and knew how to be assertive I felt really good about myself. Then there was my first serious relationship,  Steve who I was dating for about two to three years he was treating me well up until after we got married then it was downhill all the way so many things changed, looking back now my self-esteem and assertiveness disappeared, Steve became very overbearing, controlling, abused me not only of a physical nature but sexually also, making me give him oral sex and having to swallow as well which I found really disgusting I gagged every time he also forced me to have anal sex which really made me very uncomfortable but not only that it was also very painful.
I did not really have a choice in the matter or so I thought and was always glad when it was all over I had explained to Steve that I was uncomfortable doing  oral and anal sex however, that did not seem to matter whatsoever to him and now that I was married I could not get divorced it was much more difficult back then in 1984 so I lived a life of this for just under two years my self-esteem and assertiveness went right down the toilet and emotionally I felt most days like a worthless piece of trash that’s how he made me feel. I had no one to talk to was not sure what to do and was not about to tell my parents just could not bring myself to put my parents through that.  Steve started with Insults as a joke, we would go out for dinner and he would look at other women while he was with me eating dinner at a restaurant he made It obvious which I find very disrespectful and actually remember another time when we one night went to a fancy restaurant walking down sixth avenue In Calgary on a saturday night I believe It was the Westin Hotel we were going to have dinner we were walking down the street when a prostitute approached him right In front of me and propositioned him not only was I very angry beyond words but was ready to pound her to the pavement. That piece of trash I married told me to calm down and still to this day do not remember what happened after that.
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