The five stages of grief


Hello everyone:

Today I would like to talk about the stages of grief, when I was in Alpha House we talked about this subject on many occasions here is one of the articles that we were given to read.

Denial

  • Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality etc. on the situation concerned . It is a defense mechanism and perfectly natural. Some people can become locked in this stage when dealing with a traumatic event or change that we ignore.
  • This was me for twenty-five years and it was not until I got to Alpha House that it was staring me in the face realizing that denial was hindering my progress in life I had to face the music and start dealing with all this denial that I have held on to for so many years.

Anger

  • Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset are angry with themselves and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep detached  and non-judgemental when experiencing the anger of someone who is very upset.
  • This was me many years ago always angry kept myself detached from everyone and everything never wanting to go out kept myself isolated all the time hardly ate slept here and there and so much emotional upset that I did not know how to deal with it I went into major depression and was at the lowest point in my life.

Bargaining

  • People facing serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution especially if it’s a matter of life or death.
  • I never did any of that I was just trying as best I could to get through the days.

Depression

  • Depression is also called preparatory grieving, although this stage means different things depending on who it involves. It is a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It’s natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.
  • This was me back then and there are still days when I still struggle with depression.

Acceptance

  • This stage varies according to the persons situation, although broadly it is an sign that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity.
  • I have made some big improvements in  my life now that I have been able to accept a number of things but have to admit there are some other things that I have not been able to accept yet stemming back to when I was married which I may talk about in future blog entries.
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Anger Management


For many years I was very bitter and angry had no idea on how to deal with it then I moved into Alpha House in Winnipeg which is a second stage shelter and soon to realize that what I had longed for which was to let go of my anger and finally find some peace and tranquility in my life would eventually take place.

When we had women’s group once per week we would talk about various things one of which was anger we were all given a hand out to read which I would like to share with all of you:

Overview of a healthy approach to dealing with anger :

1) Recognize and allow yourself to believe that anger is a natural, normal, healthy non-evil healthy feeling. Everyone feels it we just don’t all express it. You do not need to fear your anger.

2) Remember that you are responsible  for your own feelings. You got angry at what happened, the other person did not make your cry.

3) Remember that anger and aggression are not the same thing. Anger is expressed assertively.

4) Get to know yourself, so you recognize those events and behaviors, which trigger your anger . “Find your own buttons, so you know when they are pushed”

5) Learn to relax, if you have developed the skill of relaxing yourself, learn to apply this response  when your anger is triggered.

6) Develop assertive methods for expressing your anger.

7) Keep your life clear. Deal with issues as they arise, when you feel the feelings not hours, days or weeks afterwards.

Check yourself with these statements:

1)  I no longer feel like unloading my feelings of anger and hurt.

2) I have stopped hoping that my ex partner is feeling as much emotional pain as I am.

3) I no longer feel so angry at my ex partner.

4) It is no longer important that my family and friends be on my side and not on my ex partners side.

5) I have outgrown the need to get even at my ex partner  for hurting me.

6) I  no longer blame my ex partner  for the failure of the relationship.

7) I have stopped trying to hurt my ex partner  by letting he/she know how much I hurt emotionally.

8) I have overcome my anger and have begun to accept the things my ex partner has done.

9) I am expressing my anger in a positive way that is not destructive to me  or to those around me.

10) I am able to admit it when I feel angry and not denying my angry feelings.

11) I understand the emotional blocks that have kept me from expressing my anger  in a positive way.

12) I am able to express my anger constructively instead of venting it inappropriately.

13) I am reaching a stage of forgiveness and not remaining angry.

 

Psychological abuse


Well today I went onto facebook and much to my surprise I found something very interesting that was written about me recently and I need to get it off my chest, not so long ago In the distant past someone had written many things about me that are not true ( probably wanted to feel better by justifying lies) I have done a copy and paste here from the Facebook entries that were made :
First entry:
I am writing this note today as it is the only healthy way i can think to release my anger in such a way that I will not lose it and do something that i will regret down the road and I’m also hoping for those that take the time to read my notes if they could take in my thoughts and post an honest none bias response.ok for the last two years I have had supported this friend that shall remain nameless at this point so that if they happen to see this they can not sue me or something stupid like that (not that they could afford it but whatever) let’s take a journey back in time shall we as i rehash the events of the last two years up to now in a nutshell and tell me honestly if I am in the wrong here.Two years ago this september i was living at home comfortably with my parents, granted we had our issues but i was comfortable living there but I choose to stand by my friend which lead to a huge falling out with my family that lasted well into April. I cannot also describe the stress it took on me at this time. I now has a sleep disorder because of it. I had but my clothes and a few possessions of mine with the rage and hatred filling inside me because she was negative energy and kept reminding me of all the things that were happening to me so i never was able to cool down and just kept getting more mad. From September 2005-to march of 2006 I was living in a hotel from pay cheque to pay cheque and she was working too but she was a financial drain on me because she has never known how to manage money and has a lot of bad habits so as a result could never save anything. Not to mention all the debt that was added to my credit card.On top of that i lost valuable time with friends and Family and no one i know could ever stand her for too long because she always had something to bitch about. Not to mention I would like to think that I dress half decent all the time where as she never bothered to look nice at all so it probably did not make me look good either.

Everyone one needs a friend and help to get better and i tried my best and instead of her getting better she just got worse and kept dragging me down with all her constant complaining and taking her issues out on me so that is why i decided to call it quits back in May and agreed to continue to live with her to help out.I deserve and can do better than her. I have been split up with her now for over 6 months and her response to me asking her to leave is to quit her job and make my life hell because I found someone else that makes me happy. For someone her age the way she is acting is very similar to that of a 13-year-old and even that is giving her way too much credit. I want to use an example of what I’m talking about. she happened to walk by and see me talking to my Girlfriend on webcam and she says nicely as if trying to strike up a conversation “oh. is that your Girlfriend?” I say “yes” and she replied “well I hope she fuck you over like you fucked me over.” How mature is that? Like the old saying goes, why settle for cat food when you can have a steak? She was not 100% accepting of my condition and would make it seem like an inconvenience to aid me with somethings or whatever and like i said she is just very mean and bitter and that is the opposite of what I am, if she is the best I could of done I would just opt to be alone.Lucky for me though i had two of my major wishes come true all at once. I found a nice girl who I know friends and family would approve of and I found my new job.That has made her even more bitter because now she knows she has to be out by october 1st for sure and I won’t let her stay, As a result she has tried making things very difficult for me from now until the time she will be leaving and all i can say is I wish I had a licence to kill. I think the only thing that will ever set her straight is if someone knocks her out because she just needs to shut her big mouth. She plays on the fact that I would never hit a woman but I can feel me reaching my limits and because she is not very woman like it would make it all the easier to knock her out. I think the reason she has nothing was also brought on by her own choices but she is blaming everyone else.

Up till now I was sympathetic with her because most people are vulchers but now after everything she has the nerve to say I’m screwing her over? How is it my fault she can’t hold a job or manage money? I told her roughly on september 4th I would like her out and went so far as to say she could stay till the 10th so in my mind that is more than generous and it’s over a month notice, In my mind screwing her over would have been telling her to get out right then and there, If she chooses not to do anything now come next month when she is living on the street it will be her own hand. Granted I did originally say i would re-sign for another six months when the current lease ends october 31st in trying to be debt free but the combination of the fact that she is very negative and bitter combined with the fact that I found someone made me choose to ask her to leave as everything in the apartment is mine and it would be better for her to leave then me and I have given her more than enough time. If anyone disagrees with this please tell me?

I can’t undo what has already been done and god knows what i was thinking getting mixed up with her but loneliness makes us do things sometimes and now that I’m free of her I feel allot better and I know this is a time of new beginnings i just somehow have to figure out a way to get through the remaining days with her living here and then once she is gone i can officially heal from her.
This Is another entry only a different day:
Hello All
I want to start out to say this won’t be one of my venting sessions but rather a chance to express how happy I am for the first time in my life. As most of you know I’ve gone through some tough times the last few weeks with finding and job and home life and so on. However there are some changes coming in my life for the better..My first piece of Joy that I would like to share with everyone is I found an amazing new girl to share my life with and I’m very lucky to have and love her very much. Second piece of information is I have new Job .
I will also have my apartment all to myself within the next couple of weeks removing the last thorn in my side. For the first time everything in my life feels rightThe new woman in my life is the final piece of the puzzle she is amazing and she understands me and accepts me for me and I can see good things happening for the both of us.as for my party, it has gone from being a morale boosting party to a party of celebration so I urge all who want to come and share in happiness to come and join the fun
Ok so those are the two entries when I went on Facebook and read them you can just about Imagine how I was feeling and to make matters worse all his friends were able to read everything I was more than just humiliated needless to say beside myself and pissed as anyone else would be.
Many of the things he said about me were not true yes he had a disability and no It is not true that I did not help him, In fact I did all the time and went out of my way to make him happy but I guess my best was never good enough for him.
Throughout all the relationships Iv had they have either been abusive In one form or another or both and It never fails they always leave for someone younger than me and just getting sick and tired of shit people do I am now 46, 47 this year In August and getting to old for this stupid drama shit that comes with relationships I’m simply had just about as much as I can take and It’s really too bad that things never worked out with any of my relationships because all I ever wanted was a family, a home, walk in closet and a white picket fence pretty simple shit but seems pretty much near Impossible to reach and the trust that I once had In people and giving the benefit of the doubt has now gone and although I am no longer angry and bitter like I once was I am no more.
I would like people to know that read my blogs the reason I talk about things I do and this Is no exception this blog Is that people say I come across as the “poor me” well let me just say this is not the case.
I don’t say these things because I want to gain sympathy I talk about these things on my blog so that for once people can understand me better.
 More to follow tomorrow
Thank you everyone for reading my blogs and I hope this gives everyone more Insight and better understanding of the real Elaine and maybe for some of you I have never shared this about myself so may come as a real surprise.

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