Marriage can be a blessing or a nighmare

Abuse: power & control behaviours

If there was a time in my life that I would re-live and do things differently it would have to be when I was between age 19 to age 21.

I never would have gotten married honestly it was a nightmare, for the duration of my marriage which all but lasted just under two years thats when I first learned about sexual abuse.

And then around the age of thirty or so my mom passed away I wish I had done more for my mom by being there everyday.

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A marriage made in hell

Throughout the course of my life when living at home and up until I left home I had very high self-esteem and knew how to be assertive felt really good about myself and then there was my first serious relationship ( I shall call him Stephen).
I had been dating him for about 2-3 years he was treating me well for example flowers, candy, being affectionate, dinners, movies you name It he would do anything for me to make me happy up until I got married then so many things changed.
Stephen became very abusive and  began to disrespect me In so many different ways,  It began in a suttle nature with Insults, punching walls, making comments about other women saying “wow” she’s hot! or words to that effect and making me feel Inferior and not In the least bit Important.
The there was the sex when It came to sex not only was I starting to feel like a sex object but my self-esteem took a real beating.  Stephen became very overbearing, controlling, abused me not only of a physical nature but sexually and emotionally,  he made me give him oral sex and cumming In my mouth which I found really disgusting and gagged every time he didn’t care he also forced me to have anal sex which really made me very uncomfortable not only that It was also very painful and needless to say I was glad when it was all over.
I told him that I would not do It again and told him my reasons but that did not seem to matter to him and now that I was married I felt locked into this marriage and did not think that I could get divorced It was much more difficult back then to a divorce unless you were literally being threatened with your life,  so I lived a life of this for just under 2 years my self-esteem and assertiveness went right down the toilet and emotionally I started to become a basket case feeling so Isolated, unwanted, unloved, used, you name It I felt It.
I also had in-laws that for some reason just could not stand me and had to interfere with everything in our life which made things even more difficult to the point where I told Steve we were moving to the west coast having tried so very hard to have them accept me but in the end I would not conform to what they wanted so they never accepted me .
 I had no one to talk to feeling so alone not knowing what to do I could not tell my parents as my mom just had a reoccurrence of cancer and dad having had a double bypass I was not about to tell my parents just could not bring myself to put my parents through that and at that time I had no Idea that there were shelters available.
 The abuse with Stephen It started with Insults as a joke, being out for dinner and him looking at other women while he was with me eating dinner at the table and making It obvious which I find very disrespectful and actually remember another time when one night he took me to a fancy restaurant we were walking down 5th avenue In Calgary on a saturday night believe It was the Westin Hotel we were going to have dinner,  when a hooker approached him right In front of me and propositioned him not only was I pissed off but was ready to pound her to the pavement.

Its Monday and it comes with its challenges

Its Monday and off to a not so good start I was really upset this morning when I called the bank and my money was still not in have to tell you this business of EIA otherwise known as Employment and Income Assistance really tries your patience at the best of times, and the unfortunate thing is I was not able to get to school today because I was not able to get a weekly 5 day pass for the week i’m not happy about it either.
When MTS came on Friday they hooked up my phone and TV during the weekend I tried to activate my voicemail and was unable to only to find out today that there was a glitch in the system however, now the problem has been rectified so I am happy now and voicemail has been set up.
At 2pm today in the lounge where I live representatives from Manitoba Housing came in and we had a meeting of sorts for all the tenants in the building,  there is nothing that bothers me more than no one being held accountable in any respect, it just seems that people in low-income housing get passed the buck every time you need to call this person,  you need to call that person,  all I have to say is if things don’t get done around here then I will be making calls to my MP and perhaps a write-up in the paper would be necessary this government agency stuff is just becoming ridiculous like I have other important things to tend to anyway enough of my ranting and raving for one day.
Today I would like to talk about my mom and dad, my parents were both from England  Yorkshire and Bradford my father’s name was Donald Don for short and my mothers name was Josephine Jo for short, when my parents immigrated to Calgary, Alberta Canada my mother worked as an Executive Secretary in a chartered accountants office downtown and my dad was working for the City of Calgary as a City Engineer they were both making good money.
I remember some of the places that we lived during the course of my life at home we lived at 10 Kelwood place when I was much younger I also remember that we had been robbed and 9615 oakhill drive where I had met my friend Shawna we had gone to school together,  my mom liked her classical music and I hated it and left the house when she played it because it made me very sad for some reason.
My father liked his ham radio and electronic stuff and remember my dad every friday night It seemed to have been routine that every friday night after a hard day at work my dad wanted mom to relax for the evening and dad and I would have some fun in the kitchen we would make fish and chips every friday (Halibut) and dad would ask me to make him a screwdriver drink, and way back then I never used a shot glass and just added the vodka, my poor dad after one drink he was feeling the effects of my wonderful half 1/4 full vodka and orange juice screwdriver my poor dad I’m surprised he did not fall over then after finishing up dinner then it came time to do the dishes when it came to doing dishes dad and I would have fun with the wet dishcloth and towel to dry, racing around the kitchen table trying to catch each other and then there was mom wondering what was going on in the other room and we both said nothing I have many cherished memories this is just one of them.
My mom and I, we always had a really good relationship after my fathers passing we grew closer and it became routine that we spent Sundays together and talked of many things, looking back now two of the best things that happened to my mother and I know meant a lot to her were my dad and me we were her life, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 35 the day my mother was told she has breast cancer mom thought that my dad would leave her because she was not well… im’ starting to feel very sad so I am not able to discuss much more about my mother now perhaps another day.

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