Another day


Hello my fellow bloggers and followers:

It has been a while since I have written an entry on my blog, many things have happened since my last writing.

Unfortunately I do not have easy access to a computer today this would be why my writings have become less, I have been very depressed lately and seems that since I have moved out of Colin’s and into my own apartment which I am happy about however, it has become very difficult to make ends meet, still not having a couch in my living room to sit on no area rug and barely making ends meet with my food supply and electric bill.

Since March 2013 when my physiotherapy began I have had to go on  public assistance which pays me $757.00/month my rent is $850.00 and unemployment was paying me $119.00 per week so you can see how much of a struggle this has become for me.

Due to the issues with past room-mates I refuse to move in with any others and Colin’s place (my former room-mate) that is not an option whatsoever due to hygiene issues and many other things. I will be looking into getting some form of a financial settlement from the city transit department due to their negligence earlier this year that put me in physiotherapy to begin with.

I will be writing in my blog again very soon with updates.

Take care my friends

In a women’s shelter again!


I never thought I would see the day when I end up in a women’s shelter again but, here I am again on the receiving end. The room-mate who was a good friend of mine for twenty-six years well at this point there is no friendship I think to salvage any longer.

Unfortunately I have had to resort to being separated from my little boys (my cats) Keenie and Weston for a few weeks until I leave shelter, I had to call work today and cancel my shift and it looks like I will have to again tomorrow and one only knows what the future is going to hold for me now.

To tell you the story about what transpired over the Christmas holidays and even over the last few months I have asked Colin repeatedly to clean up after himself, not leave chicken bones on the floor and be careful with his pills yet again have ended up on the kitchen floor, I have also tried to help him with the grief of his mother he will not take any responsibility for his actions instead I find myself on the receiving end of the blame when I have not done anything and only tried to help him there is much more but why go on I’m sure you get the point that I’m trying to make here.

Christmas Eve I have no idea what triggered off  his anger at me but he turned around and yelled, screamed and was shouting at me not to mention threatened to kick me out of the house and up until yesterday when I had a police escort and Carolyn and Derek showed up to help me get the cats out of the apartment only when they showed up did all of this end and of course I had to look like the bad person and Colin in the good books typical abusive scenario.

My babies the kids Keenie and Weston are now in a pet resort on a vacation I love my kids so very much and miss them terribly but at least I know they are in a safe place now and me being in shelter at least there will be no more emotional/psychological abuse to deal with.

 

Another trip to the hospital


Hi Everyone:

It has been a while since I did my last post, it has been a very stressful week with many things happening here. As of Monday night yet again Colin, my room-mate is back in hospital only this time it is not an infection but rather blood clots in his lungs. Most of this week I have been beyond stressed out been cleaning this apartment from top to bottom rearranging many things like the apartment as well as packing up my boxes so as soon as there is a one bedroom apartment available I will be taking it, I am looking forward to moving out on my own again with my children (cats Kennie and Weston) and the stress of living here will hopefully be gone.

I am so worried about Colin,I have known him for twenty-six years and I have had a few times this week where I have cried endlessly not knowing if he will be returning home not knowing what his prognosis will be, not knowing what the future holds for Colin. He really has no clue how much people care about him. When we spoke briefly on Wednesday night after me coming home from work I was so upset because he told me that he does not think that anyone cares about him no matter how many times I have told him differently Colin still refuses to believe it so I guess what I say makes no difference I have tried everything to help Colin the end result for me always seems to be banging my head against a wall unfortunately for him he has now pushed me away which makes me very sad because it did not have to happen that way.

I called the Foothills hospital this evening and spoke with his nurse she gave me some updates he is now on oxygen with blood thinners  apparently very depressed because no-one has been visiting him which for me is frustrating I work during the week and do not get home until late, this weekend I was going to go up and visit with him but think I am starting to show signs of burn out with having to clean this entire apartment  do my laundry, try to catch up on my sleep with doing what seems to be endless amounts of dishes not to mention I have deliveries to make for my Avon clients and get my Avon campaign books out for delivery I have about three hundred of them to deliver.

Tomorrow being Sunday I plan to get much rest and do as little as possible except sleep, tonight I just finished doing my laundry and the third load of dirty dishes meaning all of Colin`s tupperware that has been stuffed away for I have no idea how long have to tell you it was disgusting I also need to get some groceries in the house so that I can do some cooking for my work week.

How to recognize self-sabotage are you doing it?


Sabotage is:

Conscious or unconscious damage done to self by self.

Self-defeating behaviors.

Hampering ones own progress or recovery.

Refusing to grow and change.

I am glad that when I was in Alpha House I was given this article it made me think.

  • “Yes, but” using one excuse after another about why others suggestions won’t work for you.
  • “I’m different” seeing yourself as different, worse, or more complicated than others and because of that, strategies that work for others just wont work for you.
  • “Making the rounds” going from one person, helper or treatment to another, discounting what each says, looking for the answer you want to hear.
  • “Stacking the evidence” Only looking for evidence of how a treatment or suggestion may not work, while ignoring any evidence of how it does help.
  • “Negative comparisons” Comparing yourself to others in a negative way.
  • “No way” Refusing to consider new evidence, try new ideas or take any risks.

So ask yourself these questions

  • In which ways do I sabotage?
  • Why do I sabotage?
  • If you sabotage  then how will I go about making the following changes?

The five stages of grief


Hello everyone:

Today I would like to talk about the stages of grief, when I was in Alpha House we talked about this subject on many occasions here is one of the articles that we were given to read.

Denial

  • Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality etc. on the situation concerned . It is a defense mechanism and perfectly natural. Some people can become locked in this stage when dealing with a traumatic event or change that we ignore.
  • This was me for twenty-five years and it was not until I got to Alpha House that it was staring me in the face realizing that denial was hindering my progress in life I had to face the music and start dealing with all this denial that I have held on to for so many years.

Anger

  • Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset are angry with themselves and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep detached  and non-judgemental when experiencing the anger of someone who is very upset.
  • This was me many years ago always angry kept myself detached from everyone and everything never wanting to go out kept myself isolated all the time hardly ate slept here and there and so much emotional upset that I did not know how to deal with it I went into major depression and was at the lowest point in my life.

Bargaining

  • People facing serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution especially if it’s a matter of life or death.
  • I never did any of that I was just trying as best I could to get through the days.

Depression

  • Depression is also called preparatory grieving, although this stage means different things depending on who it involves. It is a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It’s natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.
  • This was me back then and there are still days when I still struggle with depression.

Acceptance

  • This stage varies according to the persons situation, although broadly it is an sign that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity.
  • I have made some big improvements in  my life now that I have been able to accept a number of things but have to admit there are some other things that I have not been able to accept yet stemming back to when I was married which I may talk about in future blog entries.

When you feel like giving up read this


I have had so many times where I felt like giving up and then like this saying says why have I held on so long? My answer, I’v come this far why give up now and that god will never dish you out anything that you are not able to handle so hang in there.

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Building new relationships


When I was living in Alpha House (this is a second stage shelter for abused women) in Winnipeg we were given handouts one of which I am sharing with you in this post this of course applies to men as well.

New relationships may trigger memories of your old relationships. it takes hard work, a great deal of committment and communication when you are in a relationship. A second relationship has different problems than the first one. Be sure you feel strong enough to live independently before you make the choice of becoming involved in an intimate relationship again. This way when you have a choice, you may not be as likely to make the same mistakes or fall into the same unhealthy patterns of the past. You will be better equipped to stand up for your rights. It is important to remember that life has its ups and downs. You will have good days when you feel strong and capable and bad days when you feel depressed and vulnerable. Know that the bad times will not last forever and that there are things that you can do to help yourself get through the bad feelings. Many women find that the first anniversary of their leaving is particularly painful. It is important be aware and plan in ahead. You may want to arrange and spend time with close friends or seek support in your local community to get through this time. If you would like more information and resources for the Winnipeg, Manitoba  or Victoria BC areas contact me and I will do a post about resources.

Ways you can help yourself

Let yourself feel your emotions fully. Do not judge yourself for having them. In time you will move through these feelings.

Take time out for you, Engage in self-nurturing activities such as going for a walk, have a bath, curl up in bed and read a good book or just chill and listen to music everyone has a right to pamper themselves.

Eat healthy and set aside times for meals.

Get plenty of rest, even if you are unable to sleep take time and do nothing.

Excercise to release built up tension go for a walk or swim.

Establish a daily routine that includes setting and accomplishing small goals each day.

Begin keeping a daily journal believe me it really helps.

Explore new hobbies and try out activities that interest you.

Develop new friendships and join a support group.

Learn to laugh ( although I find that very difficult most days) when I do laugh truly, I feel so much better afterwards.

Counting the days hoping for my own apartment soon


Hi everyone:

I have been so very busy lately and not had time to write on my blog but tonight I have been able to find some time after a really hectic busy couple of weeks. Well, my room-mate again for the fifth time is back in hospital due to yet another skin infection he went in on Saturday night I am very concerned about him he seriously is a walking time bomb I swear because of his weight problem, hygeine issues and the continous smoking and over the last three months it does not appear that he has made any progress in doing anything productive with his life.

We have had many fights as of late my blood pressure is seriously on the rise, I`m tired because I am continously cleaning the apartment getting really worn out and have to tell you I`m starting to get really frustrated as far as this living arrangment is concerned, not to mention not only am I stressed out but now all of this fighting and stress is starting to affect my cats as well for example when we had this arrangement that I would be moving here on a temporary basis we had an agreement that there was going to be no smoking in the apartment because of my cats being allergic to the smoke he agreed not to, this apartment has two balconies one in the  living room which I use as well as him the other is in his bedroom which he never uses, I spoke with him regarding this smoking  issue and kindly ask that if he wished to smoke in the apartment to atleast go in his room and open his own balcony door and smoke in there and he chose not to comprimise so my cats have to put up with this smoking habit of his once was in the living room and once in the kitchen so until I move I have no other choice but to deal with this which causes me much stress.

I must put an end to this soon so my plan is to move out soon and if need be I will have to find a hotel room across the street from where I live my health is starting to get worse and my cats are also being affected with this living arrangement.

On a better note I started a new job today at Direct Buy working in a call centre I am so happy and it pays $12.00 hour this is such a relief for me I will be independent again and have a sense of self worth doing something productive with my life and having long as well as short term goals some of them getting a car, taking a much needed vacation and an apartment of my own.

I must go for now have many things things to do sleep with angels everyone and take care

The stages of grief


1)  Shock and numbness

This is often the first reaction and the hardest. This is a body reflex that usually occurs right after the loss. It is a way that the body shuts down our emotional system and provides a temporary cushion against the full impact of our loss.

It does not usually last for more than a couple of weeks but can occur when the pain gets too much. This is not usually a good time for making any long-term decisions.

2) Denial and withdrawal

This is the “oh no this isn’t happening” reaction. At this stage we are trying to absorb that the loss really happened .Some of the signs are feeling weak which happened to me quite often, feeling drained of energy it was like that for me nearly everyday, loss of appetite this is a big one for me, to this very day I still have this issue I even have my friends worried about me as I now have an eating disorder because of it I still only eat one small meal a day even then sometimes I takes me an hour to eat, sleep disturbances or not being able to sleep, for about five years now I have had this ongoing issue of not being able to sleep so unfortunately I am having to take medication every single night before I go to bed otherwise I will be up for days on end. This stage  can feel  very confusing and it can feel like you are going crazy. This stage will come and go regularly.

3) Acknowledgement and pain

At this stage, we begin to know that the loss is true and ongoing I dealt with this for twenty-five years it was so hard for me. We feel everything. This is overwhelming.It is important to remember that these feelings will not last forever. We need long-term support at this stage as it can take a long time to recover as I mentioned at the beginning it took me twenty-five years to finally be able to let go.

4) Adapting and renewal

At this stage, we begin to feel like living again. A future seems possible and times of pain decrease.

Things that I used to do to cope and survive


There are many ways that people deal with stress, and cope everyday, for me back in Sept 2009 after leaving my last relationship because my partner changed and at the end getting a hold of my throat and trying to choke me I ended up homeless living on the street trying to keep myself sane, it was so hard to the point I dread waking up.

There were many ways I dealt with my stress here are some of them:

My eating was a real problem, I had no appetite the sight of food used to make me just gag even the smell of it believe me when I tell you I lived off nothing but junk food and most days I would eat nothing at all it’s amazing I’m still here to tell the story.

Alcohol and drugs, I have never done either of these but came very close to doing so as a way of coping and now because I have been homeless I now have a deeper appreciation for the people who are and have a greater understanding about why homeless people turn to alcohol and drugs.

Self-neglect, You know I was at such a low point in my life I just did not care about anything whatsoever, in fact I was living in Victoria BC when I took a transit bus to the beach and started to walk into the ocean and to this very day I still do not remember what happened after that all that I remember was I had suffered from post traumatic syndrome for some time sad state of affairs.

Criticize myself, looking back, I really was my own worst enemy I did not feel like I was worth anything, thought of myself as a useless piece of trash should have, could have, would have kind of attitude on the path of self-destruction.

Keeping busy, when I was suffering from depression and still do to this very day, I keep busy to the point where people have to call me on my cell phone because they are unable to find me and I even drive my room-mate crazy because when I start cleaning and doing other things I will not stop even though my room-mate tells me to stop and take a breath I still keep going like a Duracell battery no joke.

Self-conscious, I have always been the type that is very self-conscious when people look at me I think whats wrong is my make-up on wrong, not color coördinated among other things, I guess I’m so used to being insulted that honestly I do not know any different.

Isolate myself, after all the things I had been through being in many shelters, homeless and then finally settling into Alpha House in Winnipeg, Manitoba I began to isolate myself from people sleeping most days away watching television at night the only time people saw me in Alpha House was when we had to go to counselling sessions the women’s group being the hardest.

Nail biting, although this is yet another way of how some people cope, for me, I have always had this nervous habit since I was young and still do to this very day.

Overeat, when I finally made it to Alpha House I was able to settle down for the most part keeping a regular sleep routine and doing a-lot of reading and overeating whatever was in sight I ate.

Call in sick to work, when I was finally able to start working a part-time job in Winnipeg it took everything I had to even walk out the door. I  did not feel like going to work and  still dealing with depression my job didn’t last long as I found myself calling into work most days and finally gave up.

Cleaning everything , this is something that I still do to this very day when ever I am upset.

People pleaser, I was one of these kind of people doing things people wanted me to do all the time ,  just to get acceptance I took a good hard look at myself  and found all I ever did was get walked on thankfully Alpha House changed all that as my outlook is much different now it’s not my problem if people don’t like me it’s their loss.

Cry,  when I left my partner in Sept 2009 from that point on I had many times where I would cry myself to sleep, feeling depressed, feeling so alone wishing the days would be over.

Counselling,  when I was going through all this trauma I went to counsellors hopefully to try to help me get through this and one counsellor told me “get over it” well after that comment  I never talked to another counsellor until I got to Alpha House.

Bottle everything up, this is exactly what I did for many years and now that I am much older I am paying dearly for it as I have many health problems now so learn from me do not bottle things up because it will only give you health problems in the end talk to a good close friend.

Completely shut down, this was me I became very numb did not care about anything pretty much,  lost everything I ever had and to the point where I wished I had not awaken the next day not to mention loosing my sanity in the process.

Break out into a rash, this was a constant thing for me and because I kept everything bottled up I paid for it by loosing some of my hair and breaking into rashes .

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