In a women’s shelter again!

I never thought I would see the day when I end up in a women’s shelter again but, here I am again on the receiving end. The room-mate who was a good friend of mine for twenty-six years well at this point there is no friendship I think to salvage any longer.

Unfortunately I have had to resort to being separated from my little boys (my cats) Keenie and Weston for a few weeks until I leave shelter, I had to call work today and cancel my shift and it looks like I will have to again tomorrow and one only knows what the future is going to hold for me now.

To tell you the story about what transpired over the Christmas holidays and even over the last few months I have asked Colin repeatedly to clean up after himself, not leave chicken bones on the floor and be careful with his pills yet again have ended up on the kitchen floor, I have also tried to help him with the grief of his mother he will not take any responsibility for his actions instead I find myself on the receiving end of the blame when I have not done anything and only tried to help him there is much more but why go on I’m sure you get the point that I’m trying to make here.

Christmas Eve I have no idea what triggered off  his anger at me but he turned around and yelled, screamed and was shouting at me not to mention threatened to kick me out of the house and up until yesterday when I had a police escort and Carolyn and Derek showed up to help me get the cats out of the apartment only when they showed up did all of this end and of course I had to look like the bad person and Colin in the good books typical abusive scenario.

My babies the kids Keenie and Weston are now in a pet resort on a vacation I love my kids so very much and miss them terribly but at least I know they are in a safe place now and me being in shelter at least there will be no more emotional/psychological abuse to deal with.



Adapting to change

When I had first got settled into Winnipeg Manitoba into Alpha House in 2009 when I was ready I went into Victor Major job re-entry program one assignment we were given to do was pick a quote and write what the quote meant to us.I picked this particular quote and shared it with class and want to share it with you.

We can change if we want to but we have to want to. We will change if it is important to us.

I chose this quote because it applied to my life when I was in Manitoba then.To me this quote means that we the ability to change. We also  have to have the will to change and decide what priorities are important to us at that very moment.

For me, I was not sure what to do. I was like a lost puppy looking for my master and one day decided,”I have had  enough and going to change my life and make it what I want.. Having the will to survive physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual abuse  and up and leave it was absolutely something I had to do to keep my sanity. So, I changed my whole life and after months of emotional turmoil, living from women’s shelter to women’s shelter constantly on the move I had come to Manitoba to start my life over because of being determined to not live my life in misery anymore.Since being here in Manitoba the support that I have had has got me where I am today.

So, if you want to change you can,if you want to just do it!! And change can really bring out the best in you if you are open-minded.So do what is important to you at this moment and embrace change not only will you grow as a person but change will happen regardless, it is us that must adapt.

Self-esteem and how it affects you

I came across this article all about self-esteem the other day from Alpha House and would now like to share it with you

Definition of self-esteem is:

Many things make up  self-esteem. Here are some of the key components and what I used to do and sometimes I still do.

  • The ideas you have about yourself when I left my partner I thought of myself as a looser and failure.
  • How you feel about yourself I have to tell you I was not in a good place.
  • What you say about yourself  constant self sabotage that is what I was doing.
  • How you act towards yourself and how you act toward others I did not want to talk to anyone and kept myself isolated most of the time I also got sick because I hardly ever ate and had a sleep problem which I still do.
  • The trust you have in yourself I did not have any I was always second guessing myself and what I was doing.
  • The acceptance you have in yourself I wanted to change to a better person however I had no guidance from anyone to help get me there.
  • The acceptance for who you are I constantly go through struggles, feeling alone most of the time still in a state of depression and have now accepted things for the way that they are getting through life the best way I know how and reading lots of self-help books..
  • The awareness of your abilities, competencies and limitations I have many abilities competent at many things and have some limitations.

How is self-esteem developed?

Self-esteem is not developed  solely by a single reason, in fact, many factors help to shape our self-esteem.

  • The environment where we were raised  in I had a wonderful childhood with my parents I never knew what abuse was or that it was even existent.
  • Your parents limitations and expectations of you from any other significant adult raising you I did not have to deal with that.
  • Other people’s beliefs in your abilities being significant adults, teachers, coach,counsellor, mentor, godparents, grandparent or guardian there were so many people who believed in me and my abilities I always felt so good about myself and I was always so happy I looked so forward to going to school and then coming home and spending the evening with my parent’s life for me back then was great.
  • Learned messages from others which were from childhood and carried into adulthood to help form your self concept.Well, this one is hard for me one thing I remember is that my mother’s sister Kathleen when I was eight years old  I was over at her house cleaning her bathroom and remember hearing from her the words “when your mother and father are gone I want nothing more to do with you” I am now fifty and remember this clearly from forty-two years ago, I kept this to myself and never told my parents because I know how much it would hurt them and I also did not want to cause any friction in the family.
  • Accumulation of your life’s emotional experiences both good and bad I’m not sure where to start with this one as mentioned in statement three and four these are some of the things I dealt with growing up and now that I am an adult there are other factors as well I have been in many bad relationships before and with the help of Alpha House I have been able to stop the cycle of abuse and violence I have also unfortunately been put in a situation on more than one occasion where I have been homeless eating in a soup kitchen and although I am happy that there are places such as these it really does not do much for your self-esteem  I think that was one of the lowest points in my life there are many other factors but to heavy to get into now perhaps an other day.
  • Relationships with friends, partners, children directly affects  how you see yourself and what you think about yourself  I am so afraid of anyone getting too close to me as I do not want anyone seeing my faults.
  • How others treat you and what they say about you  Quite honestly I`m afraid to know what other people say about me.

All these external forces help to shape and formulate our self-esteem and self-image. Self-image is pictures or images you have about yourself in your mind.

Self-talk is what one says about yourself. Self-talk is a link between self-awareness and self-esteem. It can either reinforce an already existing image or used to change opinions and attitudes you have about yourself. Positive self talk is a powerful tool for change and improvement which I find sometimes very hard to do.

Negative self-talk and negative thoughts are very destructive and disempowering which I have found myself doing lots of in the past. It is critical to consciously pay attention to these and to arrest them in mid thought or mid sentence.

Things to remember

  • It’s important to remember we have a choice.
  • We can choose being negative or choose being positive sometimes I need to remind myself of this.
  • We can choose to change the way we see ourselves or stay the way we are.

We can begin by changing to positive self-talk.

People with good self-esteem can:

  • Make their own decisions.
  • Ask others for help.
  • Have faith in their own competency.
  • Appreciate their own worth.
  • Respect others.
  • Show trust and hope.
  • Accept feelings without guilt.
  • Accept responsibility for their behavior.

Characteristics of low self-esteem

Today I would like to talk about the characteristics of low self-esteem and how to recognize it, I, for one became depressed for many years ending up being diagnosed with clinical depression not to mention my self-esteem really got battered in the process here are some of the ways that I learned from Alpha House in order to recognize low self-esteem.

1) Social withdrawal To this very day I still don’t want many people around and like it peaceful and quiet.

2) Anxiety and emotional turmoil I’ve had plenty of this in my life and still suffer from anxiety to this very day and emotional turmoil is not as bad as before.

3) Lack of social skills and self-confidence Depression and bouts of sadness, I still don’t like large groups of people my self-confidence is still low and still get bouts of depression and sadness.

4) Less social conformity I have never been one that conforms to what other people and society dictate.

5) Eating disorders I still have a problem with eating issues.

6) Inability to accept compliments I still have problems sometimes accepting compliments from people.

7) Inability to see yourself squarely or be fair to yourself.

8) Accentuating the negative  Sometimes I still find myself doing this but not as bad as I used to.

9) Exaggerated concern over what you imagine other people think.

10) Self-neglect I still find myself doing this most of the time looking after others first and looking after myself last.

11) Treating yourself badly but not other people .

12) Worrying whether you have treated others badly To this very day sometimes I still find myself doing this I second guess myself  if my friends have had a bad/ off day and thinking I have done something wrong.

13) Reluctance to take on challenges.

14) Reluctance to put yourself first Again as mentioned before I always think of myself last and put everyone else’s needs first.

15) Reluctance to trust your own opinion I was always second guessing myself but no more.

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