A continuation of last nights weblog

It is Monday and so emotionally drained very tired and stressed out because of what happened yesterday at my old apartment having the locks changed so I was not able to move my belongings out how convenient was that. As a result of this issue yesterday I will now have to get the police involved if this goes on for much longer this is something that I was hoping would not happen instead I was hoping to resolve this without any further issues but, yet again it seems that this is all about power and control and have to tell you I am sick and tired of this as well as these stupid mind games that people play. I will now have to take more time off to deal with all this nonsense of moving.
On the brighter side I will be getting my children back very soon and hopefully into a regular routine where I will be able to get to bed at a decent hour and get back to doing some reading before my bedtime getting a good nights rest and having a small breakfast in the morning before heading off to work.
I have plans in the very near future to get out and go to comedy clubs, out for dinners with a friend I have met here in shelter she is a woman from India her and I get along quite well and we are sharing the same room in shelter perhaps in the future we might travel together to Banff go sightseeing and stay a few days so I am truly looking forward to doing many things, meeting new people and making new friends all part of a new chapter in my life.


Day two in shelter

Last night after I finished writing in my blog  I took my sleeping pills normally I would be in bed asleep at a decent hour however, last night was not the case  in bed at 9AM this morning and up by 12:30PM. I have been much less stressed out  today than I have in the last five months I was finally able to go out and do what I have wanted to do for months hopped on the west LRT and saw what the fuss was all about took it all the way to 69th street station then I went the opposite direction and went all the way to saddlewood just to pass the time and reflecting what has transpired over the last few months living with Colin.

I have come to realize many things, having lived with Colin these past few months has been exceptionally hard on me as well as my children and because of Colin’s very poor health and unhealthy living conditions by no fault of my own I refuse to blame myself for no longer being there to help him god only knows I really have tried to help him but like the saying goes”you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink” unfortunately for him he has pushed me away so far that I no longer want to be a part of his life anymore unless he straightens up his act which at this point is not in the least bit likely not to mention he probably will not see his next bithday to turn fifty. Sadly and after thinking about this decision bottom line is I am going to do what is best for me and my children now (the cats Keenie and Weston).

I recently told Colin that maybe the reason why people do not want to be around and the fact that he has no friends is because of his attitude and the way he treats others well his response was “I don’t give a sh**” he was very angry with me when I mentioned this which leads me to believe he has some major underlying issues that I am unaware of and seems to me he will not let go of the past now don’t get me wrong I am in no way saying “get over it” but, what I am saying is let it go I explained to him in order to do this you need to be able to let go of ill feelings and to be able to forgive people that have done you wrong I showed him ways in order to do this but, as usual suggestions are ignored and although the fact of letting go is no easy task I will admit he also had the support of friends at one time and at this point  I have pretty much given up helping and his friends no longer want to be around him anymore I mean let’s face it you can only bang your head against a wall so many times.

Anyway onto other stuff, now that I have had my mini vent session here, as mentioned previously I did not get up until 12:30PM due to the fact that I did not get to sleep till 9AM I made some calls today regarding rental units hopefully to book an appointment sometime on Saturday let’ s pray I find a place soon, I feel more at peace now knowing that I have made the right decision to leave I have found peace and quiet here at the shelter and relaxed knowing that my kids are having a nice vacation speaking of kids I think you might find this quite amusing most people think I am out of my mind but that’s okay you have heard of childrens strollers right? Well I have one better how about a pet stroller and yes your eyes are not deciveing what you are reading yes I have my very own pet stroller for the kids cost me $250 but well worth it I thought.

The temperature in Calgary today was minus four I have to tell you what a blessing and welcome change from the cold and no aches and pains like yesterday. I spoke with a couple ladies here in shelter we were exchanging stories and let me tell you some of the ones I have heard are almost mind boggling one girl was telling me that her own mother was abusing her and gave her a black eye  and the other lady I met last night in the kitchen she was telling me her husband had raped their two year old daughter repeatedly I will not go into  more detail. I ask myself why is it that the women are left to fend for themselves and their children and men getting off with a slap on the wrist personally it makes me sick.

Anyway everyone I’m getting really tired so I am going to call it a night

Sleep with angels everyone

What my qualities say about me as a person

1) My cats Keenie and Weston they are the love of my life and I worship the ground that they walk on I do not own them they own me.
2) My friends, I have more acquaintances than friends, my friends are always there for me they are much like myself compassionate, caring, thoughtful, loyal just to mention a few always remember that if you have one good friend in the world you have more than what others do.
3) I refuse to give up plain and simple even the toughest challenges in life such as having been homeless, survived abuse such as spiritual, physical, emotional, financial and sexual despite what I have had to endure in my life I have the courage to stand my ground, speak up and continue my life.
4) I have faith, although I have had many dark times in my life where I had lost my faith with the result being depression, I was able to overcome with the help of my faith.
5) I was very lucky I had the greatest parents anyone could ever ask for being brought up to respect your elders, take your shoes off when you enter someone elses home, as well as excusing yourself from the table all these that I mentioned I still do to this very day and more god bless my parents.

Introduction to my life

I decided to classify Introduction to my life under books only because this journal that I do hopefully will become a book someday to inspire and motivate others to keep on going although at best it may be hard to do sometimes.
There are many things that I remember that have been repressed in my memory over the course of so many years,  and as I write this entry have thought about another memory from my childhood which I will write about fairly soon that entry will be about a male doctor I went to go see when I was younger that well did something he was not supposed to in his office while having my physical examination.
People in society as a whole tell us that things just happen and although that may be true I have to say that nothing irritates me more than when people say “get over It” seriously like sometimes it is not that easy, honestly. Since having left home at the age of nineteen and having got married all I have really had in most of my relationships was physical abuse,  psychological abuse, sexual abuse  and spiritual abuse and the more recent one a few years back was financial abuse from one relationship. I will be talking about that more In depth as I start to remember more memories.
 The things that I write about may be empowering to some always remember never give up on your hopes and dreams, and although people may put you down and say It Is Impossible let me tell you nothing Is Impossible the sky’s the limit to all of those that think there is nothing left to live for, I’m living proof of that and to reach for the stars as the possibilities are endless, we all have the strength within ourselves to keep going and not give up I always remembered what my mother and father told me “God will never give you anything you can’t handle” It Is true and as we go through our challenges In life and deal with them the result Is we are stronger emotionally,  It also builds character so for all of you that read my blog remember that and If you are like me and have no family well your close friends do become your family true friends will always be there for you no matter what.

More packing

Oh my god!!

The time is getting closer nine days only!!!! talk about excitement but, at the very same time I am sad only because I will be leaving my good friends behind in the building.

I will be missing my friends here so very much and quite sure that it will be a very emotional day for me when I do leave,  I have promised them that I will be returning for a visit in the coming months hopefully to be renting a car to drive out here to Winnipeg.

On the home front Colin and I have kept in close contact everyday needless to say I am looking forward to seeing him when he arrives here to come and pick me up and head all the way back home taking our time across the prairies, can’t wait to take some pictures on the way back so looking forward to it.

The last couple of days my sleeping schedule, as usual is completely out of whack last night having been Saturday night I went to bed at around 6:30 pm was so tired after having not slept for a couple of nights and did not wake up until after 6:00 pm, this evening (being Sunday) still not feeling like I have had enough rest but when I get to my destination after moving I will be doing nothing but resting and more than likely starting to read my books as well as trying to find a job fairly soon aside from my Avon.

I told Allan on Saturday that I will be moving he was very sad to say the least, we have been friends for a few years now although we have had our differences like everyone else does. I have realized just how much that I am going to be missed here by many people.

I was looking on Kijiji tonight and wow its unbelievable how many jobs that I have found in Calgary already, I am hoping that I will not be out of work for too long as I’m already quite low on my funds.

One year ends and a New Year begins

Hello one and all:
Well, today Is the last day of the year and hopefully next year 2010 will be off to a good start and no I am not off to any parties either I am so passed that stage In my life however I coud say that this hippie chick could party with the best of them and at one time I could drink a few of my friends under the table and still walk out of the bars unlike the rest of my friends some of the stories I could tell you…anyway enough about parties.
So life at 101 goodness gracious immaculate conception, a tenant last night from 17th floor sexually harassing me down In the lounge by the computers and the latest rumor being that I am crazy. I have now learned to just ignore things that people say about me seems they have nothing better to do in life than pick on others. I moved In here 9 months ago March this year and have learned now to not let what people say affect me like It once did they can all kiss my behind.
So today was my last day of work for yet another four days  so I have decided during my time off I will be setting new goals for myself, making many changes revamping my diet and cleaning out all my  cupboards and later today when I wake up from a good sleep/rest I will be going to visit Denise and Maria who used to live on the 16th floor here In the building, so unfortunate that Denise moved out November 1st but she’s happier where she lives now and no longer has to worry about her suite being so hot to the point where she was getting so sick…and In the next couple of days I will also have a ton of phone calls to make back home to my friends..and  will also be doing my Psychology/Social work homework that I have put off for a while…It is now time to get down to business enough of this pussy footing around ( the people who know me well know that I procrastinate and stubborn as hell like someone else I know.
It Is getting really late and seriously my mind is fast turning to mush so upon closing my dear friends I wish you all a good Thursday take care of yourselves and each other and be good to you.
Sleep with angels

Getting back to normal

Hello to one and all:
Well as the year 2009 ends and 2010 Is just around the corner I have made some New Years resolutions lets hope for once I am able to keep some of them.
I am going to try to make some real changes In my life and look at things much differently than I am used to but you know as they say old habits die-hard and they really do… I have decided that I am going to do something nice for someone everyday or at least try to even If It means giving someone a smile god only knows It might even make their day, I know when I was down and out If someone smiled at me you would have thought they had given me the moon anyway the way I figure New Years Eve I will more than likely be at home hanging out reading or on the phone long distance talking with all my friends from back home I really miss ya all not to mention my friends back here at 101 (you know who you are).
So I had a good day today I feel like I am getting back to my regular self once again after the holidays thank god, as I have been really out of sorts for the past month or so with Christmas and all not to mention Dons birthday (my son) I had been on an emotional rollercoaster having to deal with all that on my own and It was hell anyway my Issues are nothing compared to someone else I know and no I am not minimizing my own Issues here I will never do that again.
I continue to say prayers for him (you know who you are) and a few of my other friends here In the building as well as back home.
So as usual I went to work today and yes they put me on grapes once again for the second month straight that’s okay though, so as I am freezing my ragged ass up here In Winterpeg I have to wonder why on gods green earth when Its warm and sunny In California what on earth am I doing here…  sometimes I have to wonder what ever brought me here to Winterpeg In the first place god In heaven I must be out of my mind anyways If I am on the grapes survey any longer I am going to start dreaming of grapes but Its work so I’m not complaining In fact I wish now I could work 14 days straight till I’m ragged so I have a good excuse to not be In this building let me tell you sometimes its enough to drive anyone Insane.
So my dear friends I am going to call It a night and go get some rest since I did not sleep last night until like 5:15AM lets hope I don’t toss and turn like I did last night so to all sleep well and have a good awesome Wednesday take care of yourselves and don’t forget to be good to you.
Stay tuned more to follow

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