In a women’s shelter again!

I never thought I would see the day when I end up in a women’s shelter again but, here I am again on the receiving end. The room-mate who was a good friend of mine for twenty-six years well at this point there is no friendship I think to salvage any longer.

Unfortunately I have had to resort to being separated from my little boys (my cats) Keenie and Weston for a few weeks until I leave shelter, I had to call work today and cancel my shift and it looks like I will have to again tomorrow and one only knows what the future is going to hold for me now.

To tell you the story about what transpired over the Christmas holidays and even over the last few months I have asked Colin repeatedly to clean up after himself, not leave chicken bones on the floor and be careful with his pills yet again have ended up on the kitchen floor, I have also tried to help him with the grief of his mother he will not take any responsibility for his actions instead I find myself on the receiving end of the blame when I have not done anything and only tried to help him there is much more but why go on I’m sure you get the point that I’m trying to make here.

Christmas Eve I have no idea what triggered off  his anger at me but he turned around and yelled, screamed and was shouting at me not to mention threatened to kick me out of the house and up until yesterday when I had a police escort and Carolyn and Derek showed up to help me get the cats out of the apartment only when they showed up did all of this end and of course I had to look like the bad person and Colin in the good books typical abusive scenario.

My babies the kids Keenie and Weston are now in a pet resort on a vacation I love my kids so very much and miss them terribly but at least I know they are in a safe place now and me being in shelter at least there will be no more emotional/psychological abuse to deal with.



Random acts of kindness


Counting the days hoping for my own apartment soon

Hi everyone:

I have been so very busy lately and not had time to write on my blog but tonight I have been able to find some time after a really hectic busy couple of weeks. Well, my room-mate again for the fifth time is back in hospital due to yet another skin infection he went in on Saturday night I am very concerned about him he seriously is a walking time bomb I swear because of his weight problem, hygeine issues and the continous smoking and over the last three months it does not appear that he has made any progress in doing anything productive with his life.

We have had many fights as of late my blood pressure is seriously on the rise, I`m tired because I am continously cleaning the apartment getting really worn out and have to tell you I`m starting to get really frustrated as far as this living arrangment is concerned, not to mention not only am I stressed out but now all of this fighting and stress is starting to affect my cats as well for example when we had this arrangement that I would be moving here on a temporary basis we had an agreement that there was going to be no smoking in the apartment because of my cats being allergic to the smoke he agreed not to, this apartment has two balconies one in the  living room which I use as well as him the other is in his bedroom which he never uses, I spoke with him regarding this smoking  issue and kindly ask that if he wished to smoke in the apartment to atleast go in his room and open his own balcony door and smoke in there and he chose not to comprimise so my cats have to put up with this smoking habit of his once was in the living room and once in the kitchen so until I move I have no other choice but to deal with this which causes me much stress.

I must put an end to this soon so my plan is to move out soon and if need be I will have to find a hotel room across the street from where I live my health is starting to get worse and my cats are also being affected with this living arrangement.

On a better note I started a new job today at Direct Buy working in a call centre I am so happy and it pays $12.00 hour this is such a relief for me I will be independent again and have a sense of self worth doing something productive with my life and having long as well as short term goals some of them getting a car, taking a much needed vacation and an apartment of my own.

I must go for now have many things things to do sleep with angels everyone and take care

The Self-Esteem Checklist

Hi Everyone:

I came across something very interesting today, when I was in the one of many women’s shelters the last one having been Alpha House in Winnipeg, Manitoba every Monday we would have what they called women’s group.

During our three hours every Monday we were to do an assignment for the following week here is one of them about self-esteem, after doing this assignment I took a hard look at myself and have to tell you was my self-esteem ever low.

(A) Rate how much you believe each statement  from 0-10

0 means you completely disbelieve it  and 10 means you think it is completely true

(1) I am a worthwhile person

(2) I am as valuable as a person as anyone else.

(3) I have the qualities I need to live well.

(4)When I look into my eyes in the mirror I have a pleasant feeling.

(5) I don’t feel like a failure overall.

(6) I can laugh at myself.

(7) I am happy to be me.

(8) I like myself, even when others reject me.

(9) I love and support myself, regardless of what happens.

(10) I am generally satisfied with the way I am developing as a person.

(11) I respect myself.

(12) I’d rather be me than someone else.

  • Then go ahead and total them

(B) Rate your self-esteem on a percentage scale between zero to one hundred percent where 0 is total lack of self-esteem and 100 means total fullness of self-esteem

  • Your response

(C) How often do you feel restricted  in your daily activities because of difficulties with self-esteem

1 always

2 often

3 sometimes

4 rarely

5 never

  • Your response

(D) How serious is your problem with self-esteem

1 no problem

2 mild

3 moderate

4 severe

5 extremely severely

6 incapacitating

  • Your response

I hope for all of you who did take the self-esteem checklist found it interesting as I did and gave you some insight as to where your self-esteem lies.

Working through depression

When we live through traumatic experiences sometimes we have a tendency to become depressed, depression can take Its toll on a person It could be short-term or like for me It has become long-term and have suffered for many years with It and until I came to Alpha House had no Idea what to do about It, we were given a handout on ways to work through depression which I would like to share here with you and perhaps yourself might one day want to use for reference purposes:

  • Write your thoughts and feelings In a journal….I had previously done this In the past writing It down on paper but It would seem that I could not write fast enough and forgot half of what I was going to write In the process so now as you can see I have an online journal Instead, this works better for me because I am able to type as fast as I think of my thoughts and seems to help me heal from my past experiences faster.
  • Try and be aware of your negative thoughts and replace with positive ones….although I do admit this Is a very hard one to do It takes perseverance and determination with the staff at Alpha House helping me and after months of reading my same affirmations I am becoming a more positive person and although I still get depressed sometimes I find that the affirmations really do help me.
  • Make a weekly list of your positive accomplishments and focus on your positive experiences and successes…..If your like me you may really have to rattle your brain for this one It took me a while to figure this one out.
  • Build a support network of healthy people, and talk to them when you are feeling down….trust me on this one your support network and best friends will be your saving grace I have no Idea where I would have been without all of them today more than likely In the nearest psych ward.
  • Have something to look forward to for example activities, barbeques, a night out for dinner and perhaps a movie afterward or just a night chilling with your friends.
  • How about doing a good deed for someone, who knows you might make their day and put a smile on their face.
  • Self care…. go ahead do something nice for yourself anything that makes you happy however I would not suggest drugs and/or alcohol as they are mood altering.
  • Try volunteer work,  have a cause why not promote It.
  • Do you have any goals If so list them It does not matter If they are family, recreation, personal growth or whatever.
  • Eat healthy and get plenty of rest I have found with my own experiences If you don’t eat properly and lack of sleep or lack of rest you will get sick run down and become even more depressed than you were to begin with.
  • Be assertive to maintain your boundaries use “I feel” statements this one was a struggle for me so It took me a while since most of my life I have been a people pleaser but now I finally have my boundaries In place.

Spend money go saturday shopping

Ok, so your probably wondering why  I categorized this entertainment when I’m actually going shopping today, I guess my entertainment Is shopping. I just finished my last blog entry and starting todays blog entry at 3AM I am not very happy that I am not be able to sleep as I am so tired the next day and honestly don’t feel well. It’s quiet down here In the lounge now with no drama!!  and I finally got to bed at 4AM was up by 11AM.
It has been so far an experience living here in Manitoba Housing seriously, I have become very annoyed with men in the building lately as I have been propositioned 4 times and getting really mad and ready to tell off a few of them.
Anyways some bad news today the guy Mike that I was telling you about that Lana did CPR on well turns out he Is In a comatose state now in the St Boniface hospital, you know In a 55 plus building you can pretty much expect anything to happen.
So I went out shopping today and picked up some last-minute stuff for dinner picked up a turkey and some extra potatoes and have already put In the turkey on 250 until tomorrow night around 6 PM, I also popped over to the St Vital Mall and grabbed some chinese  as I was doing so I then began to re-evaluate a few things such as people who I used to know In shelter they both have my number and both have never called me I have called them on several occasions with no return call so I have all but given up on them  I am very disappointed.
I am very reluctant as of late with people and sick and tired of getting the run around, lies, deceit, and taking me for a ride every which way so from now on If people want to get to know me they will have to show Interest I am no longer going to go out of my way for anyone unless they prove worthy of my friendship.
Looking back now I have realized that I was a people pleaser well, I am pleased to say not no more it took a year of counselling at the shelter I just left to realize It, and the days of mind manipulation, power and control, and telling me what to do are over I am finally standing up for my rights where before I did not I was to nice to people had not set my boundaries and Glenda who was the Executive Director of the shelter that I was in at the time always said to me “Look at the source” so now I am really going to start paying more attention
Looking back I am so grateful and thankful that I came to Winnipeg, Manitoba and went into this shelter my thanks to Glenda and all the staff they have been a blessing to me in more ways than one and actually brought me much closer to god so it was also a real spiritual awakening for me and although I do not have many material things they don’t really matter much to me because it is all about how you live your life and your level of faith that is of importance and not the material things that matter most.
When I was at the mall ready to leave and was at the bus stop waiting for the 55 St Anne’s this guy was yelling at this girl I am to assume that they were boyfriend/girlfriend anyway the guy called her a bad name which I won’t mention here  it took all my strength to refrain myself from going over there to tell him off and treat the woman with respect anyway they got on the bus she had her head down (my heart went out to her) and was sitting middle of the bus when he sat down to and started in on her again freaking out he kept insulting her thank god the bus had finally left the mall and so did he she was beside herself crying so I went over to see her to try to comfort her as I know how It feels to be alone and take on abuse and told her she did not have to take that she in turn said to me I know I know.
I really hope and pray that this girl makes the right decision and leaves that scumbag If he would have hit her I would have taken him on myself and I’m not afraid to either, no man will ever again Intimidate me ever and If I see abuse of any kind to human or animals I will have no problem stepping In.

Helping people who help themselves

Hello everyone:

Well, as the heading says I help people who help themselves sick and tired of having excuses all the time from Colin, for the sake of his own health I am trying to help him quit smoking which he promised me he would try before he even came out to get me from Winnipeg or make an attempt to or at the very least, cut down to ten cigarettes per day but thus far nothing has worked and getting sick and tired of banging my head against a wall.

I am now starting to get a headache, enough is enough and after tonight having gone to walmart to pick up some nicorette lozenges for him spending an hour with a sales associate looking for it only to get in the car and having Colin telling me he can’t take it he said because of the medication that he is taking I then told Colin to call Alberta health links where he can speak to a nurse who is able to give him the correct information, well he never did so what that is basically telling me is that he can’t be bothered so all I can say is I’m done with helping him on this issue plain and simple as far as his smoking is concerned he is now on his own period done helping.

All I have ever done in my life is help others now it is time for me to look after me as the saying goes “help people who help themselves” there was someone else who is still a friend of mine who still lives in Manitoba Housing I have tried to lead him in the right direction as far as his alcohol problem on several occasions needless to say whatever I suggested was completely ignored it seemed as though his alcohol was much more important that his food he next to never had any food in the house and was always asking others to feed him I don’t know how many times I said “no” I was not going to enable him anymore  what made things much worse  the last month I was in Manitoba Housing was after banging my head yet again, against a brick wall I kept on telling him to not continuously knock on my door for money which happened at least twice per week for the last six months with a warning that if he asked me again it would be the last time I talk to him.

Well, he asked me again and I completely losted my last nerve and gave it to him with both barrels needless to say he never asked me ever again and our friendship has never really been the same since and now having moved to Calgary I have only called him twice I feel that the friendship is slowly disappearing now so sad  all I can do is just pray for him now.

Eleven more days

Hi Everybody:

Well, as the topic reads, eleven more days and counting until I leave here and can finally start to recover from all the health issues I have had over the last few years and find peace and quiet without having a whole bunch of drunken people on my floor knocking on doors at all hours of the night as well as making noises from one end of the hall to the other, seems the closer I get to moving day the more I am getting excited to move out of Manitoba Housing to begin a new chapter of my life.

My friend and I were finally able to come to a few resolutions about our issues so I am now happy to report that I will, in fact be moving out of this apartment block thank god.

I am really looking forward to having a bigger bedroom with 900 square foot space with a balcony and another balcony in the master bedroom, apparently there is also a workout facility in the building among many other benefits  the best part is though I will be able to see the Rocky mountains from afar with only 90 minutes drive, I can’t wait to go back to Banff and smell the mountain air.

My packing is going well am able to take my time and in the last day or so I have felt quite overwhelmed with all this paperwork that I must get sorted out and file.

I will more than likely sleep for a few days and really rest and relax, unlike what I have been able to do here  for a very long time.  I can’t wait for a barbecue and cook a filet mignon with carrots  butter and maple syrup with a stuffed baked potato and oh did I forget to  mention ribs?.

What a great day

Hello everyone:

Well, today I must say has been full of surprises as mentioned in my previous blogs I have just finished pulling off three all nighters in a row needless to say I’m quite tired so went to bed relatively early last night being Friday and slept in until 1230PM Saturday,  I had to be at work by 1PM and as it ended up I was late not impressed with myself to say the least.

I had problems signing in to my EZlabour which Is our timesheet sort of speak and by the time I got to dialing on the phone well it was 1:40pm what a way to start off the day and it only got worse from there, I was not feeling very well to start with aches and pains literally I found it so very hard to even get up from my chair and move around, got called into the field managers office and had been written up got  in trouble for getting up and getting a more comfortable chair to sit in funny how I never had a problem doing that before no one ever said anything to me in the last year was told to go home early ask me If I was happy.

Got home and Allan who used to be a friend of mine and no longer is after today approached me to ask me for $0.80 cents not that it is a problem however when you add up all the change I have given him over the last few years It certainly adds up and not once did I ask for it back nor has ever offered to pay it back to me I had warned him about asking me for money he is an alcoholic and I’m sick and tired of enabling him and supporting his habit and finally today was the last straw I shut him down for good.

On a happy note though when I got home from work I met up with Claudette who is a very good friend of mine we are very close went over to the Norwood Hotel across the street I had french onion soup and Claudette had a cup of coffee as she had already ate her dinner we had a good visit when we arrived back in the apartment block that’s when shit hit the fan with me and Allan from then on I was so upset I felt my blood pressure rise with a headache and pain in my collar-bone not a good situation and have calmed down after a few hours of venting at Colin my friend for twenty-five years I tell you some days I don’t know what I would do without him.

Its Friday!

Hello everyone:

Well, pulled another all-nighter and slept maybe at most one hour this morning so needless to say I’m having a good start to my day today not!!!!!

I have many things to do today laundry, pick up the small pay cheque that I’m getting and go and get some groceries in my black mold apartment that I live in currently but hopefully not for much longer.

People in the building that I live in that are my friends are quite concerned about me as my attitude has been changing dramatically and may have something to do with the fact that I will be making some changes in the near future,  add anxiety and stress to that what does that equal  recipe for disaster,  I am getting sicker by the day with my stress level rising and the fact that I will be out of work for at least the next two weeks if not longer and hopefully not here long enough to find out  hopefully Colin will come through for me.

I am just really not happy in Winnipeg the people are not friendly, the bus drivers here are rude and speed down the streets and don’t wait for people to sit down before moving, lack of work everywhere with no resources really to help people get on their feet or start a small business unless you want to have one with Avon but with Avon you have the potential to make lots of money however,  as with many things it does take time and does not happen instantly, as well the crime rate here is alarming in fact just the other day up in St Vital which happens to be one of the safer places to live a lady was on her way to work when she got stabbed and heard yesterday that she died ask me if I feel safe in this city,  personally I cant wait to get out of It.

I am suffering very badly today of anxiety and feeling quite anxious  really on edge I have a headache and the things that I usually enjoy I no longer do.

Sometimes I find it so hard to get through the days and can’t wait for the day to be over I really hope that I can get to Calgary fairly soon and start my life over again fresh and new and would like to make it to Calgary in time for Stampede week which is coming up there fairly soon.

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