Random acts of kindness


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Anger Management


For many years I was very bitter and angry had no idea on how to deal with it then I moved into Alpha House in Winnipeg which is a second stage shelter and soon to realize that what I had longed for which was to let go of my anger and finally find some peace and tranquility in my life would eventually take place.

When we had women’s group once per week we would talk about various things one of which was anger we were all given a hand out to read which I would like to share with all of you:

Overview of a healthy approach to dealing with anger :

1) Recognize and allow yourself to believe that anger is a natural, normal, healthy non-evil healthy feeling. Everyone feels it we just don’t all express it. You do not need to fear your anger.

2) Remember that you are responsible  for your own feelings. You got angry at what happened, the other person did not make your cry.

3) Remember that anger and aggression are not the same thing. Anger is expressed assertively.

4) Get to know yourself, so you recognize those events and behaviors, which trigger your anger . “Find your own buttons, so you know when they are pushed”

5) Learn to relax, if you have developed the skill of relaxing yourself, learn to apply this response  when your anger is triggered.

6) Develop assertive methods for expressing your anger.

7) Keep your life clear. Deal with issues as they arise, when you feel the feelings not hours, days or weeks afterwards.

Check yourself with these statements:

1)  I no longer feel like unloading my feelings of anger and hurt.

2) I have stopped hoping that my ex partner is feeling as much emotional pain as I am.

3) I no longer feel so angry at my ex partner.

4) It is no longer important that my family and friends be on my side and not on my ex partners side.

5) I have outgrown the need to get even at my ex partner  for hurting me.

6) I  no longer blame my ex partner  for the failure of the relationship.

7) I have stopped trying to hurt my ex partner  by letting he/she know how much I hurt emotionally.

8) I have overcome my anger and have begun to accept the things my ex partner has done.

9) I am expressing my anger in a positive way that is not destructive to me  or to those around me.

10) I am able to admit it when I feel angry and not denying my angry feelings.

11) I understand the emotional blocks that have kept me from expressing my anger  in a positive way.

12) I am able to express my anger constructively instead of venting it inappropriately.

13) I am reaching a stage of forgiveness and not remaining angry.

 

Words of wisdom


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A marriage not made in heaven


Well, todays topic Is about my marriage made In hell to Steve, yes that was his real name. Today all of a sudden some memories of my marriage came to me that I am remembering, please keep in mind I have to do this in segments because I am not able to remember everything all at once, first I remember having a girlfriend by the name of Debbie she had an english accent and said she knew this nice guy named Steve that she had previously met In school so, me being all naïve and young agreed to meet Debbie, her current boyfriend, and Steve away from school one evening we all hung out and went to a movie for the evening with dinner afterwards.
Steve and I hit it off right away and ended up dating anyway, eventually I had become pregnant and was not married Steve was working at the time and when I had found out that I was pregnant I called Steve and told him I had to meet up with him right away because there was something very Important I had to talk to him about we had arranged to meet at the bowling alley that was on Fairview Drive and believe that same bowling alley Is still there to this day.  I remember crying on his shoulder not knowing what to do and wanting some emotional support so desperately.
I had told Steve that I was pregnant the first words out of his mouth were “let’s get an abortion” I have to tell you I was so devastated, stressed to the max, and angry how dare he ask me to get an abortion I thought, I was beside myself and being from a catholic background we do not believe in sex before marriage so this was a real big issue and I’m thinking how are my parents going to react to this news how in god’s name was I going to deal with all this on my plate being pregnant five weeks and only the two of us knowing I had no one to turn to and at that point In my life I wanted to just end It all.
Throughout the course of my life when living at home and up until I left home, I was very happy with the way things were going on in my life had very high self-esteem and knew how to be assertive I felt really good about myself. Then there was my first serious relationship,  Steve who I was dating for about two to three years he was treating me well up until after we got married then it was downhill all the way so many things changed, looking back now my self-esteem and assertiveness disappeared, Steve became very overbearing, controlling, abused me not only of a physical nature but sexually also, making me give him oral sex and having to swallow as well which I found really disgusting I gagged every time he also forced me to have anal sex which really made me very uncomfortable but not only that it was also very painful.
I did not really have a choice in the matter or so I thought and was always glad when it was all over I had explained to Steve that I was uncomfortable doing  oral and anal sex however, that did not seem to matter whatsoever to him and now that I was married I could not get divorced it was much more difficult back then in 1984 so I lived a life of this for just under two years my self-esteem and assertiveness went right down the toilet and emotionally I felt most days like a worthless piece of trash that’s how he made me feel. I had no one to talk to was not sure what to do and was not about to tell my parents just could not bring myself to put my parents through that.  Steve started with Insults as a joke, we would go out for dinner and he would look at other women while he was with me eating dinner at a restaurant he made It obvious which I find very disrespectful and actually remember another time when we one night went to a fancy restaurant walking down sixth avenue In Calgary on a saturday night I believe It was the Westin Hotel we were going to have dinner we were walking down the street when a prostitute approached him right In front of me and propositioned him not only was I very angry beyond words but was ready to pound her to the pavement. That piece of trash I married told me to calm down and still to this day do not remember what happened after that.

Happiness comes from within ourselves


Introduction to my life


I decided to classify Introduction to my life under books only because this journal that I do hopefully will become a book someday to inspire and motivate others to keep on going although at best it may be hard to do sometimes.
There are many things that I remember that have been repressed in my memory over the course of so many years,  and as I write this entry have thought about another memory from my childhood which I will write about fairly soon that entry will be about a male doctor I went to go see when I was younger that well did something he was not supposed to in his office while having my physical examination.
People in society as a whole tell us that things just happen and although that may be true I have to say that nothing irritates me more than when people say “get over It” seriously like sometimes it is not that easy, honestly. Since having left home at the age of nineteen and having got married all I have really had in most of my relationships was physical abuse,  psychological abuse, sexual abuse  and spiritual abuse and the more recent one a few years back was financial abuse from one relationship. I will be talking about that more In depth as I start to remember more memories.
 The things that I write about may be empowering to some always remember never give up on your hopes and dreams, and although people may put you down and say It Is Impossible let me tell you nothing Is Impossible the sky’s the limit to all of those that think there is nothing left to live for, I’m living proof of that and to reach for the stars as the possibilities are endless, we all have the strength within ourselves to keep going and not give up I always remembered what my mother and father told me “God will never give you anything you can’t handle” It Is true and as we go through our challenges In life and deal with them the result Is we are stronger emotionally,  It also builds character so for all of you that read my blog remember that and If you are like me and have no family well your close friends do become your family true friends will always be there for you no matter what.

Brainwashing


In some of my relationships looking back now,  brainwashing was a big part as well of my abuse and had no idea exactly what kind of Impact that it would have on me years and years later Its a wonder I have my mind with what I had to put up with and to be sane through It all god knows how I kept It all together here are some of the brainwashing conditions and how they work that I had:

Isolation  that was a big one for me I felt It a lot this sets the stage for all other conditions to have  greatest effect.

  • It could be physical, emotional or social mine was emotional and social
  • It could also be a gradual process and could be made subtle or direct I have had both
  • It creates a sense of differences and separateness that extends to the family for me since I did not have any family left the people who abused me were the only people who I had to turn to
  • Becomes the gatekeeper In my life yet again another form of control
  • Since he became my major external frame of reference I was being manipulated with misinformation about myself which In turn made me second guess myself, my situation which In turn made me think I was always exaggerating and things were never really that bad when they actually were and the world around me I never wanted to go out

Humiliation  for me I think this was the worst part of my abuse from a psychological standpoint next to the Isolation.

  • The more information that I had about myself  the more likely It was to become a part of my self Image well for me It was my whole self Image and as time passed on my self Image became even much worse and It also started to show In the way I dressed which remained the same for many years.
  • The more I began to believe the negative messages about myself the more I thought I deserved all the abuse and thought I did not deserve anything less than that and viewed myself as worth the effort of leaving.

Demonstrations of power and threats this happened to me.

  • Because sometimes I had felt Isolation I had perceived that no one would help me or even could I had become vulnerable to fear and Intimidation when having to face a threat alone and over time the size of power Imbalance Increased and more control was established.
  • I also felt controlled not only by my perpetrator but my perception of him as well as an example of this he would, on occasion say things to me that were of a spiritual nature and he brainwashed me so bad I actually started to believe everything he said to me and the threats were always endless.

Trivial demands and the focus being on him and his new girlfriend  It was like his shit didnt stink and they were king and queen had to bow down to them (this is another story I will save for a later date you will be amazed I’m sure and probably wondered how I kept sane)

  • The more alienated I felt from my own wants and needs, I was unlikely to pack up and leave although I finally did leave I stayed so long because I had my 3 cats that I loved very much they became my only means to keep me sane and considered them to be my children they meant everything to me my missy Koko, Missy and Buffy.
  • I could not see the forest for the trees when It came to my situation so I was unable to see my pattern of abuse which made It less likely for me to take steps forward leaving all the abuse that much more less likely.
  • Treating me like an object throughout most of my relationships I was treated like a robot, sex object, piece of shit and worthless one at that
  • he was desensitized to the fact that I was human, making It easier for him to avoid having empathy and compassion for me It was like I was just there to please and that was all.
  • There was never anyone there to reinforce my being which In turn I began to doubt myself, my judgement and worth.
  • I became very numb to almost everything Including my feelings It was like who cares It doesn’t matter anyway.

Making me doubt myself as they say the possibilities are endless In this case the doubting myself was endless

  • In the beginning It seemed benign something minor like I was misunderstanding things or It was all In my head.
  • Constant misunderstanding creating for me a situation where I did not really know what was going on and became much more vulnerable to his version of everything which In turn made me all that much more vulnerable.
  • Was always trying to make rational sense out of the Irrational behavior that he had, my self-esteem turned Into humiliation and thought I was stupid for not being able to understand and find fault with the behavior.

A marriage made in hell


Throughout the course of my life when living at home and up until I left home I had very high self-esteem and knew how to be assertive felt really good about myself and then there was my first serious relationship ( I shall call him Stephen).
 
I had been dating him for about 2-3 years he was treating me well for example flowers, candy, being affectionate, dinners, movies you name It he would do anything for me to make me happy up until I got married then so many things changed.
 
Stephen became very abusive and  began to disrespect me In so many different ways,  It began in a suttle nature with Insults, punching walls, making comments about other women saying “wow” she’s hot! or words to that effect and making me feel Inferior and not In the least bit Important.
 
The there was the sex when It came to sex not only was I starting to feel like a sex object but my self-esteem took a real beating.  Stephen became very overbearing, controlling, abused me not only of a physical nature but sexually and emotionally,  he made me give him oral sex and cumming In my mouth which I found really disgusting and gagged every time he didn’t care he also forced me to have anal sex which really made me very uncomfortable not only that It was also very painful and needless to say I was glad when it was all over.
 
I told him that I would not do It again and told him my reasons but that did not seem to matter to him and now that I was married I felt locked into this marriage and did not think that I could get divorced It was much more difficult back then to a divorce unless you were literally being threatened with your life,  so I lived a life of this for just under 2 years my self-esteem and assertiveness went right down the toilet and emotionally I started to become a basket case feeling so Isolated, unwanted, unloved, used, you name It I felt It.
 
I also had in-laws that for some reason just could not stand me and had to interfere with everything in our life which made things even more difficult to the point where I told Steve we were moving to the west coast having tried so very hard to have them accept me but in the end I would not conform to what they wanted so they never accepted me .
 
 I had no one to talk to feeling so alone not knowing what to do I could not tell my parents as my mom just had a reoccurrence of cancer and dad having had a double bypass I was not about to tell my parents just could not bring myself to put my parents through that and at that time I had no Idea that there were shelters available.
 
 The abuse with Stephen It started with Insults as a joke, being out for dinner and him looking at other women while he was with me eating dinner at the table and making It obvious which I find very disrespectful and actually remember another time when one night he took me to a fancy restaurant we were walking down 5th avenue In Calgary on a saturday night believe It was the Westin Hotel we were going to have dinner,  when a hooker approached him right In front of me and propositioned him not only was I pissed off but was ready to pound her to the pavement.
 

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